I guess its now time again let go of some of this emotional baggage and clear my head.
Broken Trust
I tell him, "love and trust are not the same thing." I attempt to explain to him that i do not trust him. Its not because of something a past boyfriend did to me and im now bitter. His past actions directly lead to my current emotions. Although he won't directly say, his response is pretty much summed up as oh well, deal with it and accept it. Well im a woman i don't have to. Plain and simple. The way things have transpired over the past few weeks or even months have left me drained. He has the potential to be a great man but he would rather straddle the fence as far a becoming that. i can't subject myself to watching. I've done all i can to show him--hey we can make us better. He is still concerned with things that can't be changed and what he hasn't done yet. Thing that don't need to be done. I hope he finds what he is looking for since i know it isn't me.
Potential is nothing if you are not going to use it(life lesson #321).I've always seen something extra in Wally. He KNOWS he has it, but he only goes on that.Never trying to reach his full potential for whatever reason. After his admission that he still harbors feeling about my past lifestyle, i know must commence this relationship.Seriously, i can understand why he would if he does and to hear him say-- i know it is the end. Man, my feelings are hurt but i will get over it.My epiphany came when we were about MARRY. Seriously, this love i have for him is strong but in the final few moments i realized he wasn't ready and backed out. I was cool. I again sacrificed my feelings for him but im good because i found the words to describe how i feel....
"Rotting strawberries taste than
no strawberries at all"
I'm being bullied and it sucks. I have a 55 year old woman with an issue with me. I have deduced her to be the miserable type. She lonely and she wears it on her sleeve because she set in her ways. I truthfully do not know what i did to intially have her direct her most negative energy towards me but my natural defensive reaction is to return the sentiment. I know i should be able to ignore he and i have been ignoring her for the better part of 6 months now. When i saw where this was going i followed the "procedures" and in no way did i receive any relief. If anything i was made aware of how much of a threat she truly posed to my livelihood. So i went back to ignoring and now the situation is still escalating. I've already lost this one. But i do i stopped a continued assault on my peace? I hate beaurocracy. See the major of my life has been a system so i understand and when i was sitting in the office today i felt like the fucked up foster child again----hearing i wish i could help u but my hands are tied. Its easier to give up on you then get through some read tape. She knows this, and I allowed her to bring me out of character enough for them to take notice so something has to change.
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