unsent letter

October 12, 2009

Dearest Wally,

Ask i reflect on this past weekend of no communication and binge drinking (on my part) i am utterly disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself for not being able to handle my emotions better. Im frustrated that when you have yourself set on doing something, regardless of how pointless it is, you are going to do it. Out of fucking rebelling. Im tired of every argument turning around on me and who i USED to be. I'm depressed because i know its over, and theres no changing that. I know you will come back but it wont be because you love me or because you are in love with me. Your lust will bring you back. My love will welcome you--it will be familiar and different all at once. After your desire has been sated, you will again state that you "need space"; only this time there will be no objection from me.

How can i object when I don't make you happy. After months of hearing you say that i make you miserable i finally get it. It just not going to work. Just like every other man, you only want to possess me physically----in the biblical sense. And i know you would never admit to that because you do love me. It's that knight in shining armor thing--you wish you could save me. You don't even know what you are rescuing me from and you just want to make it better.Honey, know that you did. You saved me from myself. You even offered to marry me although you didn't want to do it. My love for you runs deep, i felt that hesitation and relief. I probably did one of the most selfless thing ever by backing out because you just don't know how much i would love to be Mrs. Wallace L. Robertson Jr.

Sadly, i know that will never be. You aren't ever going to be ready as long as im on the other end waiting and i understand why. Don't read this text as say thats not it, really think about it. You would have to present ME to the world. Perception is everything and you are a person who relies on it heavily. Me, not so much anymore. I can't be your baby's mother, sorry. I deserve to be someone's wife. I deserve to be able to build my future/legacy with my partner in life. I don't deserve to be again in a position i was in at seventeen--no matter how much i love the father this time around. You deserve a woman that you can present to your mother and father with pride. You deserve happiness. Who am i to strip you of these things?

I cannot wait. If you perceive this to be selfish or anything like that you can throw that shit out the window now. Selfish is to tell me that i should wait for you do everything else and come back to me. Maybe i have simplified this love thing too much----If i love you and you love me; what is everything else for? What are you looking for? What's wrong with ME? But, you constantly tell me you love me, so i can't understand.....should i have to understand? Have i truly damaged my credibility to the extent that i have to settle? I've never felt so insecure and i wear it on my sleeve. My confidence is fleeting and i must catch it. It is what has held me through the years and i gave it to you when you needed it and now i must get it back.

I've come too far to stop and sit still because i've learned that i can have whatever i want. Unattainable things are just that--unattainable. My laws taught me that i should show disdain for things that i cannot have. I have no contempt in my heart for you. I needed these words to be transcribed from my heart in order to make it stop hurting. The pain, not caused by but continued by you. We are on two different pages in this book of life. Im not a slow reader but you arent good listener. I know im not either but ive got experience, with counts for a lot. My years far exceed 25 and my knowledge is fruitful.

I guess what i'm saying is our season is over. What i thought was a lifetime was only a season. I know i gave you knowledge or at least i hope i did. You definitely taught me some things. In your gamblers term--we broke even.

With all My Love,

Sharita