Daddys home....

Thats what the email said.

I didnt know what to think as i opened this electronic missive from someone who was so important to me for so long....

Daddy...

Thats what i called him. I met him when i was 19. The love of my life had just caught a body (murdered someone) and i had to stop going to school to work. We met at MCI. I had made the determination that i was not going to fraternize with coworkers (unless they made more money than me). He was smooth--an older New York cat with finesse. I immediately noticed the ring on his left finger that said he was unavailable. That didn't stop him from pursuing.

Let me mention that i was not feminized at that point, in fact i had just discovered my sexy. I copped my first pair of stilettos that year.

Anyway, our relationship started off innocent enough-we would do lunch. I learned that he had only been married six months and had an infant son.....only one month older than Khalil. After a few months of lunch and him going back to work with a raging hard on, i gave him a hand job.

He actually "courted" me. It was fun and it gave me a break from being depressed about my loved one. He was getting money, i was enjoying it. Sometimes i forgot he was married but it was what it was.

This relationship lasted four and a half years. I enjoyed every minute of it. We never had an argument and when I needed him, he was there. I jumped in and out of relationships and "daddy" was always there to catch me. Sometimes we joked about me going ahead and committing to him although he was married but it was always just a joke to me. I NEVER WANTED MORE. I wasn't in it for the long haul given how we came to be. Never once asked him to leave his wife or put his family responsibilities to the side for me. He thrived while i remained dormant and even went to the left a little bit. He went from a Galant to a H3--so much hustle and i learned a lot. When he decided to become a Freemason, i was all for it.

Then in summer 08' everything changed. I had decided that i needed to change my life and he was the single most supportive source i had. I had decided that i no longer wanted to depend on a male to survive. I wanted to be the mother i knew i could be, but i had NOTHING. He put me in contact with the people i needed to talk to and even put me on an allowance. He came to visit me at the shelter and everything. Stuff started changing fast. Around August the money stopped. Not slowed down--stopped. I didnt really care because i was working and didnt want to be greedy. The visits and calls slowed down as well. I thought it had something to do with Wally. I had told him that i was feeling Waly and was thinking about getting more serious.

About a week before my 24th birthday, he called me and told me he left his wife. The first words out of my mouth were, "go back home". I didnt know what the details were but he was not going to lead me to believe that he had left his family for me. I wasn't falling for that one. Furthmore, due to child support issues all the bank accounts were in his wife's name. What could i do for him? Im 23 in a shelter with my son, he should have went back home. I refused to see him. He didn't call me for a month and by the time he did---i had already heard through the hood that he was getting high.

Im talking Pooky high.

He told me as much when we spoke. I told him the same thing every other woman in his life did--"you need help". He was accustomed to me being the cheerleader, but how could i condone this shit?!? He would call me and be nodding out on the phone and it was breaking my heart. One day after i had moved in my house, he called me highed up asking for my address. One thing i do know is you never let a dope fiend in your house--they will come back when u aint home. It doesnt matter who the fiend is---heroin conquers all. Once he realized i wasnt giving up the information, he told me he would get at me when he got his shit together.

I guess this was that call. I aint going lie as soon as i got the email i was on my way.

I was supposed to be going out anyway, i just changed my plans. I decided that if i did fuck him,

i would make it up extra to Wally and CONFESS immediately.

I went down to the Hustler store and purchased all types of kinky shit....ropes, vibrators, and a mask. You know just in case i fucked up. I went in with the mindset that this is closure.

When i first got to the house a jolt of excitement rushed through my veins.

Here i was on 21st street about to enter our creep away spot--now his home

since he is divorced now. As he opened the door my heart leaped a little. I loved this house.

A 4 story brownstone in an affluent neighborhood, 11 foot windows, hardwood floors throughout.

As i walked in i saw all the renovations that had been done and i had a slight flashback

to the days when i would fantasize about this being my home to decorate.

As well hugged there was no spark in fact i felt a chill.

I knew i was dead ass wrong for being there, Wally loves me.

But i needed to know why.

He gave me a tour and we ended up in his bedroom talking about everything

that had transpired. The more i listened the more i realized that with him is

where i never want to be.

He could no longer be my daddy because i was no longer a little girl.

When he touched me, i tensed up. Made some excuse about having

to meet Wally at my house

and left.