just ranting

what is the point of being in love with a person if there are so many variables? Why do we lower our standards just for the sake of love.

I constantly hear females complain about how all men are dogs and things of that nature. At one point i defended men relentlessly, "oh, just because he cheats doesn't mean he loves u any less". You would not believe how many females i have said those words to knowing damn well he was cheating with me! As the other woman i understood that males do shit for no reason at all. If he doesn't hit you, burn you and always comes home then what is the problem? I couldn't believe that a man would ever cheat on me. I guess my ego was too inflated because when its all said and done--I'm just a woman.

As the one being cheated on i cant understand why. I cant fathom why any man would want to stray away from me. It has caused me to be insecure and bitchy. I already had trust issues but now they have been multiplied because he is not only a cheater but also a liar. Friends don't lie to each other about anything. You don't say, "i lied to you because i didn't want to hurt you". Seriously, it hurts way worse when you find out another way. When i say insecure, i mean really insecure. I constantly question myself like ,"what am i doing wrong?" or "what does she do that i don't?" but worse of all i feel unwanted. Nobody wants to feel unwanted and ugly. How can someone constantly tell you that they love you but can't commit to you? Doesn't the action cancel out the words.

Every time i bring up the future it ends in an argument where I'm regretting the whole conversation. You antagonized me by saying we should just get married, but damn. Im not ready to jump the broom just yet but you remind me that thats never gonna happen. All i want is some security, its that too much to ask for. So on top of you repeatedly doing the same dumb shit, you leave my heart in suspense. Thanks for feeding into the insecurity that you planted. Its a constant cycle. You don't want me to walk away but you don't want to move forward with me either. I'm beginning to feel like a glorified jump-off. Maybe i am and if that the case, that will also come to light. I need affirmation that here is where you want to be because your actions have show me differently and now I'm filled with resentment.

Yes resentment. That feeling i get whenever i look at you and have to turn away in disgust. Why am i full of resentment? Because you really hurt me. Not by cheating but by lying to me and then leading me to believe that its me. By always apologizing and saying that you wont do it again---only to do it again. I know if i kept getting caught in the same manner, i would probably stop doing what i was doing. You don't give a fuck. You stand on the platform of privacy but when you are a liar you don't deserve privacy. Why do i look? Why shouldn't i look? I don't want it to come as a surprise when you decide that you are done. You already tell other chicks you love them as well, so what am i to believe. So i look and i find something--maybe there shouldn't be anything to find. I didn't look because i was bored i looked because i had a creeping suspicion that was eating away and i needed to know and all you can say is i invaded your PRIVACY! My resentment comes from the fact that i KNOW that I'm not it-- yet i love you too much to just walk away.