Pills

"i hate waking up so much that i don't go to sleep"
                                                      -Me


      I took a handful of pills last night. My mood stabilizing pills to be exact. I hate my life. Nothing can change this--not the drugs prescribed to me, not even the fact that i have a family that "needs" me. I feel like my existence has become a punishment not unlike my life thus far.
      These days i lack the vitality that once made life so much easier in times of struggle. Why? I don't really know. What i do know is that i hate it. I hate not being able to function at the level that i once did. I hate that this time last year i was on a great career path. I FINALLY had a position that i worked hard for and even prayed for. I hate that i have become an ineffective mother/housewife that holds so much resentment towards my underachieving pacifier of a husband. I hate that i may really need medication just to try to hold on to life because right now i really wish i were dead.
       I have to constantly remind myself that this is a lifestyle i chose. I chose to marry him because i love him. I chose to have another baby because i love him. I chose to smoke weed during my pregnancy thus leading to a whole world of problems for me and me alone. My husband who is suppose to support me as i have supported him didn't when i needed him. Instead he smoked WITH me during my pregnancy. He smoked with me when i was supposed to be quitting for 6 weeks while i attended a mandatory drug course. He smoked the entire time i needed him to to support me. The same day i took my piss test---i came home to weed purchased by the love of my life.
     It makes me wonder does he want me stuck in this position? Although he doesnt have a job--he continues to get high. We have a baby now---why doesnt he put forth more of an effort to make his family better? I thought  that was what a man did. I thought that men bent over backwards to make sure their families were provided for, even if that meant working multiple jobs. My life was getting better at one point---i have regressed. He doesnt understand this at all or he don't care.
    I love my sons. They are supposed to be my reason for living. They have ceased to be that for me. They have added to the mounting pressure simply because they are dependent. It is not their fault---that is what i try to remind myself. Khalil is a great son. Sure he has normal kid issues but i could not have gotten a better firstborn. His loyalties are not me and i understand why--because i was selfish. I was selfish and he understands that. This new kid, i don't know him so much. I know he likes my voice and my smile. I know he is a pretty smart baby but thats about it. He shits, he cries, he eat and he sleep. He consumes time, money and attention.

IM SELFISH FOR WANTING TO DIE.
"YOUR FAMILY NEEDS YOU"
                           -MY HUSBAND