Just My Thoughts

Untitled

2012-01-17T10:01:00.000-05:00

my past picked up and left today
I guess it decided to quit haunting me
We had it out one day recently
I shouted some things like,
"stop hurting me"
"stop clouding my future
with your painful existence"
then my past whispered back,
"stop acting like you didn't live this"
"my pain, my hurt, it molded you,
now that your stronger what am i to"
I cried and i cried because i know its the truth
my pain my struggle my anger my youth
I fought for my life
nail and tooth
I NEED my past to complete me
so I chases it down, pleading
"Please don't leave"
"I'm incomplete without you
and i'll wear you on my sleeve"

"

For Grandma

2012-01-10T13:10:00.000-05:00

Dear Grandma Wilson,
They say you never know how much a person means to you until they are gone. That statement is so true. For the past 18 years of my life you have been a supporter and an inspiration. No matter how many people wrote me off over the years, you never did. You constantly told me, "prove them wrong."
From the first time you sat me down and talked to me, I acknowledged you as grandma. Although I did not come from your bloodline, you always treated me just like I was one of yours. When Tynesha and I stopped speaking for that year---it did not stop you from noticing me. When I got locked up at 16, you supported me and and I could never tell you how much that meant to me. I appreciate you so much. You honesty was raw and unrelenting. Your love was unconditional and your words were straight to the point.
*Memory- I remember that night Ty, Sade and I had guys in your basement while you were out. You came home unannounced and the guys ran out the back door. You found a condom in your basement and everybody denied it. I got punished for it because Jettie believed it was me. When you looked me in my eye and told me that you KNEW it wasn't me, my punishment no longer mattered.
After I was told that you had cancer, I thought to myself, "oh, she will be fine." When I talked to you, we joked about how you were going to come back from this with more vitality and brutal honesty. You said, "I'm not leaving just yet." That was shortly before Thanksgiving, it was only two days into the new year that you left this world. I regret not coming to see you Thanksgiving evening with my husband and sons. I did not know that would be my final opportunity to do so.
I wish i had visited you before you left. I wasn't brave enough. I couldn't bear to see you sick. You have always been so strong, so independent. I refused to see you like that. Just like i couldn't look at you today. I started toward you casket and i had to look away.
NO WOMAN has spoken wiser words to me then you. I miss you all ready. Im thankful that you raised my only real friend in life. She is so much like you that I could never forget you. I appreciate every conversation we had and the guidance you have given me.

Love,
Sharita

RIP Mary Isabell Wilson 1944-2012

I am a college student now

2011-09-12T18:30:00.000-04:00

Well, i did it--i went back to school. I have never been much of a school person. My intellect is undeniable but honestly i have never been a "good" student. The last school i graduated from was middle school. I would not have graduated from high school because i hated it. As soon as i turned 16, i dropped out. I attended a community college when i was 17, but that ended in pregnancy. When i was 20 i decided that i wanted to be a Medical Assistant. The education in itself is great to have but i have no to desire to be medically responsible of a person in any capacity. Although i completed the course successfully, i was not allowed to graduate due to my poor attendance.

For years, people have told me that i should further pursue my writing. I honestly feel like i could be a better writer. I guess thats why im majoring in English. im actually sitting in my English class right now--bored. According to my instructor, i need a lot of work on my writing skills before i am capable of being considered a good writer.

formspring.me

2011-07-28T06:23:00.001-04:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/hazysin

Criminal Justice Petition: Let's make the intentional transmission of HIV/AIDS a felony in Maryland | Change.org

2011-07-23T08:17:00.000-04:00

Criminal Justice Petition: Let's make the intentional transmission of HIV/AIDS a felony in Maryland | Change.org

Life is not about...

2011-06-30T14:56:00.000-04:00

...complaining about what you don't have.

I have to remind myself of that sometimes, or rather my husband has to remind me. I will go off on a tangent about what i do not have or what i want and he will calmly say--"remember when you didn't have a home". Snaps my ungrateful ass back to reality every time.

YouTube - 4 Page Letter - Aaliyah w lyrics

2011-04-29T11:15:00.000-04:00

YouTube - 4 Page Letter - Aaliyah w lyrics

reasons to live

2011-04-25T11:56:00.000-04:00

Pills

2011-04-20T07:33:00.000-04:00

"i hate waking up so much that i don't go to sleep"
   -Me

   I took a handful of pills last night. My mood stabilizing pills to be exact. I hate my life. Nothing can change this--not the drugs prescribed to me, not even the fact that i have a family that "needs" me. I feel like my existence has become a punishment not unlike my life thus far.
   These days i lack the vitality that once made life so much easier in times of struggle. Why? I don't really know. What i do know is that i hate it. I hate not being able to function at the level that i once did. I hate that this time last year i was on a great career path. I FINALLY had a position that i worked hard for and even prayed for. I hate that i have become an ineffective mother/housewife that holds so much resentment towards my underachieving pacifier of a husband. I hate that i may really need medication just to try to hold on to life because right now i really wish i were dead.
   I have to constantly remind myself that this is a lifestyle i chose. I chose to marry him because i love him. I chose to have another baby because i love him. I chose to smoke weed during my pregnancy thus leading to a whole world of problems for me and me alone. My husband who is suppose to support me as i have supported him didn't when i needed him. Instead he smoked WITH me during my pregnancy. He smoked with me when i was supposed to be quitting for 6 weeks while i attended a mandatory drug course. He smoked the entire time i needed him to to support me. The same day i took my piss test---i came home to weed purchased by the love of my life.
   It makes me wonder does he want me stuck in this position? Although he doesnt have a job--he continues to get high. We have a baby now---why doesnt he put forth more of an effort to make his family better? I thought that was what a man did. I thought that men bent over backwards to make sure their families were provided for, even if that meant working multiple jobs. My life was getting better at one point---i have regressed. He doesnt understand this at all or he don't care.
   I love my sons. They are supposed to be my reason for living. They have ceased to be that for me. They have added to the mounting pressure simply because they are dependent. It is not their fault---that is what i try to remind myself. Khalil is a great son. Sure he has normal kid issues but i could not have gotten a better firstborn. His loyalties are not me and i understand why--because i was selfish. I was selfish and he understands that. This new kid, i don't know him so much. I know he likes my voice and my smile. I know he is a pretty smart baby but thats about it. He shits, he cries, he eat and he sleep. He consumes time, money and attention.

IM SELFISH FOR WANTING TO DIE.
"YOUR FAMILY NEEDS YOU"
   -MY HUSBAND

2011-04-14T18:43:00.000-04:00

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missing children

2011-03-05T13:44:00.000-05:00

I am a mother. I love my sons more than i love myself. If one of them were to go missing--i don't know how i would compose myself.

About 2 months ago Khalil decided not to come straight home from school. After an hour i walked around the whole neighborhood asking people, "have you seen my son?", and kept getting the same no. Every time someone said no---my heart dropped more. Everybody knows Khalil--the d-boys, the store owners and the other parents. After hour 2, i called the police. By that time i was livid--crying hysterically--snot and all. I thought someone had taken my world from me. Wally tried to calm me down but all i thought at that moment is I'm never gonna see MY son again. In any given neighborhood in Baltimore City there are at least 50 registered sex offender---and even more who have not gotten caught.

The police officer got there quickly--but only because he knew Khalil personally so when he heard my address on the scanner---he dropped everything to come. He told me as much. As the cruiser drove up the alley, Khalil sauntered up the alley as well. I still could not stop crying. Apparently, my 8 year old decided that going to his friend's house before checking in was okay.

Lets keep it 100--they don't give a damn about black children. If little Suzy were missing--an amber alert would be flashing everywhere immediately. Unfortunately, when its Kisha, the scenario goes a little something like this.

Mother: please send the police to my home, my child is missing
Dispatcher: age/sex/race? what was the child wearing and when was the last time you saw the child?
Mother: (gives all requested information)
Dispatcher: an officer will be there immediately
30-45 minutes later an officer arrives.

Officer: Do you have recent picture of the child?
Mother: yes (provides latest picture)
Officer: Thank you, we will do all we can to find your child (officer leaves)

No news reports, no flashing lights. Just a mother, family and friends searching desperately for their loved ones.

When Phylicia Barnes went missing--it took a major movement from social networking sites just for the local news to even pick up the story and even harder work for the story to go national. She has been missing since December and you rarely hear her name any longer. Everyday day in America brown children vanish and are never heard from again. What is really fucked up---is that other black folk rarely want to assist in the search. Real shit---people are quick to chalk it up with the mentality that it is not their child so it isn't a pressing matter. THAT IS WRONG!

I will ALWAYS help in any way i can when a child goes missing simply because if MY child goes missing---i pray people would do the same for me. I will always assist because i can only imagine what that child's parents are going through and no one should have to go to sleep at night worry about their child's whereabouts. As a community WE have to protect our youth.

In love with you--Erykah Badu feat. Stephen Marley

2011-01-19T04:43:00.000-05:00

The most dangerous place for an african american is in the womb of his mother?

2011-01-05T10:29:00.001-05:00

I remember back in middle school (i grew up in Baltimore) we had a "school-based" health care center. My first quarter of 7th grade the nurse suggested that i get on some type of birth control to "regulate" my menstrual cycle although i had just started the summer before. She pushed for Norplant...

Funny how as i watch this short expose', they mention those same clinics that i frequented back in the 90's during my middle school years. Those nurses were so nice. They gave me hall passes when i hooked class, pain killers when wasn't a damn thing wrong with me and condoms when i was afraid to tell my foster mother i was having sex. I was 12 back then. I wasn't fucking everything moving just yet but some young boy had persuaded me that the world was in my panties and he belonged there as well.

The very next year---birth control laws changed drastically. No longer did i need a guardian's permission to get on some type of birth control. You know i was on it. I went to my pediatrician's office to discuss the many different types of contraceptives available to me without consent. Unfortunately, i wanted depo and i still needed a parent permission to get it. Before i could have "the talk"...that pregnancy rumor started (by me). Dr. Bundley called Jettie immediately because i was a "special" student---i.e: someone who NEVER flew under the radar. I recall the meeting we had in his office that day when she told him, "the only thing she is putting in there is a tampon". I had the perfect opportunity to tell her right then and there but i didn't, i guess i did not want to disappoint her on some level. Anyhow, when we went for my physical; i got my pediatrician to do the talking and Jettie decided that Depo would be the best option for me since i was too lazy to take a pill everyday.

About a 6 months later they deregulated Norplant somewhat (or at least that's what i was told) and it was now available everywhere. It sucks to know now they just wanted to use me as a test dummy and had i had any other foster parent----i may be sterile. I begged and pleaded for her to sign the papers so i could get the implant but she held her ground and saved my babies. Don't get me wrong Depo put me through a lot of changes as well.....like the rapid weight gain and drastic hormonal changes. In August shortly before i turned 16 my pediatrician informed me that i could get Norplant w/o a parent's permission due to my age. My best friend and i scheduled appointments for early September. Ms. Mead informed us that Norplant had been pulled off the market until November due to "minor" complications. Yet again i was stopped short of having these 5 little tubes implanted in my arm.

I remained on Depo until i got pregnant with my first son. I actually went back for my shot when my pregnancy was confirmed. I have not had faith in birth control since....just safer sex.

Anyone who reads my blog can attest to the emotional turmoil that i went through when i got an abortion last year. I felt like they sucked out a part of my soul. My husband (who was only my boyfriend then) when through more emotional problems than i did. I promised myself that i would NEVER put myself in the position to have to kill another one of my babies. There are so many planned parenthood centers in the inner city its outrageous. It's easily accessible, inexpensive and often looked upon as a savior of poor people. In actuality it is a predator of life. They are funded specifically to assist women (primarily Black and Hispanic women) in turning their wombs into tombs. With so many black men killing each other daily how can we as women assist in this genocide by stopping life before it is started. I know so many females who use abortion as a form of birth control and even a few who are sterile now after having multiple procedures. Yes, babies or expensive and a life long responsibility but when you look at it like that then may you should also think like this----condoms are inexpensive even in contrast to having to have the procedure done.

Funny how just last night i was calling around to pharmacies trying to find spermicide. I called every pharmacy in a 5 mile radius trying to find this specific product because we are not ready for more babies but i will be damn if i allow someone to remove my reproductive power. If i get my tubes tied NOW, who is to say that in 5 or 10 years i will not be ready for another baby. They SAY you can have the procedure reverse but why go through the problems? Also, i don't use free condoms....in a world where you get what you pay for---i believe that a few dollars for a box of condoms is never to much to ensure my health and sanity.

So to answer the question posed in the title...in my opinion..YES!

Like Common said, "we are losing too many of ours, we NEED to recreate"
-Retrospect for Life

PRO-LIFE

Kareem Ahmad Robertson 12/19/10

2010-12-27T17:30:00.000-05:00

I know it seems like i just abandoned my blog. I did. My life got too real. I miss writing, thinking, processing through paper so to say.

I gave birth to Kareem Ahmad Robertson on December 19th, 2010 at 12:13p.m. My husband was the only one there--that's how i wanted it to be. Its hard to put to words how i felt as i bought forth new life---his new life....but it was beautiful. As he wiped away my tears and sweat and told me how much he loved me, it didn't hurt so bad. When he looked at me and said, "i see hair"--i could see the apprehension in his face as he realized he was moments away from being a father. Don't get me wrong since the day i said "i do", he has been an excellent father to Khalil but there is nothing like knowing that you have created new life. He does all the things Khalil's father won't do and keeping the promises that his (Khalil's) father makes and breaks.

Immediately after i birthed this 7 pound baby, that feeling was there again. Bliss. I never knew that i could fall in love again after Khalil until I looked Kareem in his eyes. Wally held him for like an hour straight before i could hold him. Khalil was such a little man, he is going to be a great big brother. He looks exactly like his father---except his eyes. He has my eyes and an old man's spirit. I birth old men--i swear. For the 2 days i stayed in the hospital when Khalil and Wally left for the night--i just stared at him. I was in awe at the fact that this baby came from me!

It has been 8 days now. 4 am feeding and getting pissed on doesn't deter me one bit...i was made for this. Wally has adapted wayyyy better than i expected. He sucks at changing diapers but just making an attempt is wonderful. I don't care that he takes the night shift every night and i still end up woke by 4 because there are a million women out here who wish they had someone to lend a helping hand. I love my husband more and more everyday---sometimes i don't think he realizes (or maybe i don't show) how much i appreciate him. I would be lying if i said he has not grown these past 10 months. 10 months---we have been married for only ten months but it feels like a lifetime. Last night while we were lying in the bed he looked to me and said, "i wish we would have done this sooner"....all i could say was "everything happens when it supposed to". I NEVER thought i would be someones wife, let alone HIS. I didn't believe i would bring forth another child, yet he is here. I guess anything is possible--even things which we believe to be impossible. I have a family now.

Malcolm X: A Declaration of Independence (March 12, 1964)

2010-11-04T09:42:00.000-04:00

India.Arie - The Truth

2010-10-22T05:17:00.000-04:00

freeway - what we do... (ft. jay-z and - Philadelphia Freew

2010-06-02T16:39:00.000-04:00

Nas- Black Girl Lost

2010-05-21T15:13:00.000-04:00

Letoya Luckett ft. Avant - Someone Else

2010-05-21T11:18:00.000-04:00

jay-z - meet the parents - Blueprint 2.1

2010-05-10T11:57:00.000-04:00

Mary J Blige - I Dont Want To Do Anything

2010-05-04T16:49:00.000-04:00

Method Man Ft. Mary J. Blige - You're All I Need

2010-05-04T15:06:00.000-04:00

random thoughts---you know me

2010-05-03T13:55:00.000-04:00

I'm Pregnant! YAAAAAAAAA for us...i guess. My husband is elated as is Khalil--me not so much. I haven't attempted to carry a child to full term in 8 years. The morning sickness is driving me insane. The random crying spells (yes, Ive been crying buckets over nothing), my breast have already swollen a whole cup size, and dammit I'm having the worst headaches known to woman.

I miss my mommy. Man, i haven't spoken to Lolita since the whole child abuse thing went down. I mean part of me feels like I'm being petty but then on the same accord i feel like she should have never taken him to see that lady to begin with. I don't have anyone to talk to. My mother-in-law says i can come to her and talk about anything but its kinda hard to vent to a mother about her son and that what i want to do right now vent. Lolita is such a wonderful woman, i hope i haven't burned that bridge---it would have been a totally unnecessary fire.

Everything else is just great. My son made the honor roll--again. People act like i should be surprised but he is my son. I know what he is capable of. He is intelligent, articulate and has an insatiable thirst for knowledge. I watch him pass up video games and outside time just to read a book. He has a vocabulary that wows me sometimes. he's the greatest. I think i would be utterly SHOCKED if he didn't make the honor roll especially since he shoots for the success roll every quarter.

i have about 3 poems coming soon

I find the nature of people to be amazing

2010-04-12T22:15:00.002-04:00

Just 3 short weeks ago, my son got his first "real" spanking. By real i mean that a man, who only cares about him and his well being disciplined him physically. it wasnt done out of anger, frustration or malice. You would have thought that Khalil was beat within an inch of his life, the way that people reacted.

My "mother" (bless her heart) was uber concerned that Wally may have been molesting Khalil because Khalil defended his spanking. Basically, because he could cleary explain WHY he got the belt is enough to insinuated sexual abuse. Because, he didnt think that the spanking was wrong--there must be more going on. She decide that she was coming to get her grandson the very next day, since I was not going to call the police and have Wally arrested. I was a bad mother, i was choosing my husband over my son......i mean a whole lot of opinions from a person who did not once come during the month and a half that i called her almost daily regarding his negative/violent behavior.

She came and got him Friday morning under the premise that she was spending some time with her "grandson". When i called her she said after talking to Khalil, she didnt think it was abuse BUT that no man other than his father should be hitting him. How do you tell someone to mind their own damn business without being ignorant. Long story, kinda short--she decided (without consulting ME) to take him to visit his great-grandmother (paternal). Now, she has already shown me her agenda when she told me i should be having Wally arrested, why didnt she do it? She bought Khalil home later that evening at which point she again tried to exert her will into MY household by telling us what to and not to do.....whatever.

NOBODY ASKED FOR ALL OF THAT.

Later that same evening (Friday) my sperm donor calls. Hmm, i wonder why all of a sudden after trying to get in contact with him for over a month should he decide to call today. HE wants to dictate how we run our household as well. Laughable. I asked him simple questions--are you going to start doing what you need to do? Are you going to discpline him when he needs it? Are you going to spend time with him? Are you going to provide when he needs? That fool hung up on me. thats what i thought. he only wants to be a father when there is no responsibilty involved. Khalil doesnt need that, its hurting him and he (no child) doesnt deserves that. He told my husband that from now on don't say anything to Khalil....whatever.

BE A FUCKING FATHER SO SOMEONE ELSE WONT DO YOUR JOB.

Saturday rolls around. Khalil is out with his new grandparents and im out with a long lost friend when i get the call. The police are at the house waiting to speak with me and they want to see Khalil. Why? Because those deadbeats called CPS. Petty, spiteful shit. The officer was cool though. After Khalil explained WHY he was spanked, the officer stated, "my father spanked me and thats why im still here". He also explained to Khalil why he could not go around hitting little girls....i thought that was the end.

BLACK PEOPLE CANT LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE

There have been several more CPS reports since the first one. Another report of abuse, 2 for neglect. Seriously, why are they even trying to fuck with me? Just like any mother who gives a fuck about their child--i cut off all contact with those other people. If Khalil's father gives so much of a fuck now he can go get that DNA test he has been avoiding for the last 7 years and place his name on the child's birth certificate. He can assume some sort of financial responsibility as well as obtained court ordered visitation. Until then--THEY BEST LEAVE US THE FUCK ALONE.

Anyway--3 weeks later, i realized that Easter just pasted. No one called--not my "mother", not one of those inbred niggers----nobody. Its like they were trying to create conflict in my house not realizing that it only bought us closer together.

like 3 weeks ago...this is what ive been going through

2010-04-05T16:34:00.000-04:00

My son is 7. His father is a raggedy niggER. At 17, you couldnt tell me anything but that was then. He is not on child support, didnt sign the birth certificate and only claims his son when HE feels like it. I call him a theoretical father.lls. Anyway, i got married in February to my best friend that i have known since my first day of college 8 years ago. Unlike most of the males from my hood (Baltimore), he came from a middle class, two parent home (his parents have been married 30 years).

Khalil(my son) has been exhibiting horrible behaviors learned from his woman beating father, in school. he is ABUSING the young ladies in his class to the point that they are giving him money NOT to hit them. WTF. That is unacceptable. After the 4th suspension in so many weeks, i told my husband to whip his ass. I mean, ive been his mother 7 years and i know my spanking aint working. He showed me that by going back to school the next day (or the same day we take him back) and doing the same dumb shit. Now--i phoned his father daily begging him to talk to his child. Phoned my mama and everybody else i know seeking assistance because this aint the child i know....outside of my in-laws noone did/said anything.

Well last week my son got his little ass whipped and all hell broke loose.

My mother said my husband should not hit him because he aint his son. His father said he shouldnt hit him because he aint his son.......these fools called cps! These same people who wouldnt come and assist with this strong willed, intelligent young man-- now have soo much concern for his safety. Frankly he is only exhibiting behaviors that he has been exposed to while one weekends with his father who has the mentality, "if that bitch dont do what i say, imma beat her ass". I told my sperm donor that he can keep it moving--his services (whatever they were) are not needed. I told my mother to deal with the monster she is creating (a whole 'nother story) and let me run my household as i see fit. Now im a bad mother.

In your personal opinion was i wrong for allowing my husband to discipline my child? If i took away his power to discipline him now, isnt it safe to say in the future we would only be faced with disrespect from him?

Im soo frustrated by this who situation because lord knows all i want is my son back. On a lighter not---his little ass aint had on problem in school this week.lls

i see the world in a beautiful hue of brown

2010-03-10T16:03:00.001-05:00

i constantly tell myself that life is good. Even when everything doesnt feel good....i keep telling myself that to maintain some level of sanity.

When i was a small child, i decided that i hated males. I had justifiable reason to at that time. As i grew, my hatred deepened. I TRIED to trust them, they continued to fail me, hurt me, scar me--leading to me feel scorned at like 13. The saying "men ain't shit" resonanted in my head daily and uttered out of my mouth even more frequently. From my father abandoning me before birth to the countless males that continously robbed me of my youth when i could not fight--men have done nothing to change my viewpoint. It wasn't always anger. My anger was first fear. Always afraid of what HE may do to me or my family. I watched my stepfather beat my mother ruthlessly before he preyed upon me. I promised myself i would never be like my mother because she was weak. She allowed a man to separated her from everyone, even her children. She was weak for continously allowing a man to harm her only daughter. She was weak for NEVER fighting back. Back then i didnt know the power of dick. When i fought, my mother showed me the depth of her weakness because she chose him.

I tried the lesbian thing. It wasnt really for me. I mean i am sexually attracted to females but i believe that the fear/hatred towards men and rejection by my mother at an early age has fueled my desire. Eh. Ironically my feelings only led to my promiscuity. Its hard to explain but sex is the only time that i truly don't have feelings of disdain toward the male species. Fucked up ain't it. By 10th grade i had a reputation that i wholeheartedly lived up to. Sex is only a tool. oh, how young i was.

Then at 18 i had a son. I felt that i was forced to carry the burden of caring for someone who would only grow to hurt me as well. Until i realized how much he needed me and understood that i needed him even more. My happiness is relient upon his happiness and vice versa.

For every man that has ever abused me, hurt me, lied to me, abandoned me, neglected or shamed me...he is forgiven. For every man that thought i was weak--fuck you, twice.

I apologize to every man that i hurt, left, scorned, and ridiculed. i apologize for saying i would be your wife only to leave one day without a word. I apologize for always blaming men and not owning up to my faults in the situation. I apologize for killing your babies without any regard for how it would affect you. I apologize for not explaining that i was damaged knowing that in my condition all i could do is damage. I apologize for never taking you seriously. I apologize for being a bitter black woman.

Just Rambling

2010-02-28T14:53:00.000-05:00

1. Being married kinda sucks. I know, i know....but knowing that im going to wake up next to the same person for the rest of my life is kind of scary. Plus, he gets on my fucking nerves alot of the time. Truthfully, sometimes i hate coming home.

2. My new job rocks!

3.My son is going crazy. He got suspended a few days ago, and it came as an utter shock to me. His report card was excellent, behavior is a whole different story. Apparently he doesn't like his "pale" teacher or any of the other teacher for that matter so he addresses them ass, "cracker" or "bitch". smdh. I dont know where this behavior has came from but i wish it would go away.

4. My sons father has pretty much cut off all communication with the kid. I think that may be part of the reason my son is acting out so much.

5. They no longer teacher slavery in Baltimore City Public Schools. WTF. How come every black history month Dr. King is waived around like he was the only martyr we had? How can you teach about Dr. King but not explain WHY or WHAT he was fighting for? I am soo pissed.

6. I need new friends--or friends period.

Just My Thoughts: Today i escaped

2010-02-12T23:09:00.001-05:00

Just My Thoughts: Today i escaped

Today i escaped

2010-02-12T23:09:00.000-05:00

Today i escaped from my snow cover home, in search of people besides my husband and son. Damn it felt good. I went to Walmart. Not for nothing, my damn ps3 headset stopped working. I needed a new one stat. I wanted to talk shit while playing Modern Warfare too!

That was unsuccessful...i guess everybody else did too.

Then i decided to go visit my homegirl Nikki. Nikki lives in Gilmore Homes. We met while in juvenile detention together. Our lives have had similar paths and she is 2 years younger than me. Anyway, usually its a 15 minute walk to her house from mines but with the snow i knew i was in for an oddessy. I was a woman on a mission.

I made it to Baker and Calhoun in about 20 minutes, only 6 more blocks left! I could feel the burn of hiking my legs up at least 2 feet continuously for at least 15 of those minutes. Jumping to the side of the street repeatedly in order to avoid being hit by fools speeding in slush. As i stood in the middle of a 6 way(wtf) intersection with a woman and her 6 year old daughter i some of the most fucked up shit ever.

There are 3 people in this car--2 females and a male. He is sitting in the backseat. This male reaches across the seat and pops the passenger. He then proceeds to get out the care, walk around and punch her several more times in her face! At this point my jaw is dropped and im thinking, "what the fuck just happened".

But wait, theres more...

The passenger got of out the car and started threatening to do this, that and the other to this male because he just split her shit. He was like 5'10--190/200lbs muscular and she was 5'2 120 (Skinty). Her homegirl (driver) is screaming,"get back in the car" and "yall can fight in the car". This fool (him) is threatening to beat the breaks of this girl and her homegirl aint tried to help since the first punch. The passenger gets back IN the car and calls for her homegirl to get in and drive. Dude proceeded to walk around to the passenger side and beat this girl up, drag her out into the snow and beat her some more. Then throw all her belonging out into the snow with her. Home girl just watched. All the men just watched....im outside screaming and acting a fool. Dont get me wrong, i DID NOT run over to intervene. I was not about to take someone else's ass whooping. I couldn't believe that not one of the 10-15 males standing outside could rush to this young lady's aid.

Hold on...it get even more messed up

He then hopes inside of the car and locks both of them out! So now the driver is banging on her care window to get let back in her car. Her homegirl is on the passenger side of the car bloodied and upset. This fool is in the car threatening to leave his girl and her "dumbass" friend in the cold. Only then did a male get out of his car and walk toward the situation. The woman beater unlock the car, shorty hops back in the driver's seat and they both pull off leaving the girl in the snow.

Old boy went over helped her off the ground, asked her where she lived and drove off with her in his passenger seat.....

THE WORLD IS SO FUCKED UP THESE DAYS.

Just My Thoughts: these damn blizzards...

2010-02-11T15:28:00.000-05:00

Just My Thoughts: these damn blizzards...

these damn blizzards...

2010-02-10T23:24:00.000-05:00

Are getting on my fucking nerves.

This was my street on Saturday afternoon. Every kept saying "stay inside". FUCK THEM...i did have any dutches, this was an emergency of catastrophic proportions. I went outside and had a blast.

I made to the bar. Good bless the ghetto in a blizzard. Aint shit open but the liquor store. On my way there i saw stuck vehicle and damn near all the Lexington Market junkies trying to cop. I decided that after this 20 minute journey i would stay for a while....

and im glad i did because i got to see BCPD get stuck in the snow. LLS. The officers were really cool (which is rare). Normally a 4-7 minute walk home, lasted 30...

by Monday i had resigned to venturing outside again......with the kid

and his friends...

for a friendly snowball fight. Well, that didnt last long because i was NOT about to be pelted with snowballs by these prepubescent badasses!

So they decided to jump off the deck into the snow...

Lee and Khalil thought it best to trespass in someone else's yard since they had "fresh" snow. I had to agree. My seven year old seems to think he is about 11.....thats the average age of his friends.

I was enjoying the snow. I had accepted that it was here so i might as well make the best of it u know......

Until they said MORE SNOW WAS COMING! After receiving 26.5 inches of snow in a day and a half, i was not ready for more. The weatherman said it was going to be another blizzard. Why, i mean doesnt the government have a weather machine or something. This just isnt right. So i had to make a trip to the market. Quick! Don't want this next 2 feet to catch me without any kool-aid, sugar, cereal and milk.

My landlord took me to the market in his big brand new G wagon (thats a benz truck)..i get everything i need and get to the koolaid section....

AINT NO GOT DAMN KOOL-AID! I think i really stopped liking people at exactly that moment. I saw a chick with like 3 whole boxes in her cart. ~~Bitch~~! I had my heart set on fried chicken and red kool-aid for dinner, what the hell!

it snowed all day today. Im tired. I need to see some concrete before i go crazy but when i go outside all i see is SNOW!

this is a fire hydrant after the first storm. Damn...its probably gone now

life

2010-02-07T19:39:00.001-05:00

I haven't cleared my mind in a while what better time then now. I guess i will begin at the marriage.

I got married this week. February 3rd, 2010 to be exact. I know marriage is a long jump from me ending my relationship but man i love him. His good qualities outshine his bad ones any day of the week. I am soo happy. As i stood there repeating my vows, looking him in his eyes all i could think was "YES". We argue--but there is no dismissal, we have to work through every argument and kiss each other at night before bed. There is no reason we should ever go to bed angry with each other. We will grow together and get better No man will ever love me more than him--except Khalil (but thats my son).

I found one of my best friends in the whole world on facebook today. Tierra is one of the realest females i ever met in life. When i first met her we instantly clicked. Her mother and stepfather were on drugs and she unlimited freedom. We could smoke weed in her room and her mother was the coolest. My fondest memory of us will always be Thanksgiving 2000. I had ran away from my foster home and T said i could come stay with her family. Her mother had went into labor with her little brother so we were left at the house to do what we do. We smoked a blunt and decided to surprise Ms. Leslie by cooking dinner. Our cake was hard--no milk but everything else turn out great. Except the turkey. I followed the instructions to a T...but i didnt put any water in the bottom, just cooking oil. 20 minutes after placing the turkey in the oven we smelled fried chicken..lls.

Those were the days. Truthfully my search for her is the reason why i started a Myspace, Facebook, twitter all those social networking pages. Hoping one day i would stumble across her. Nobody else, just Tierra. Every day at least once a day i would put her name into the search only to find nothing. I was elated today when i received a fb friend request from someone with the same last name as her--she found me! Nothing could have made me feel better....i even got over mah cabin fever. She has matured gracefully, just as i knew she would and she is a mother now!

formspring.me

2010-02-06T22:56:00.001-05:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/hazysin

People make me sick.

2010-01-23T15:58:00.000-05:00

Not in the literal sense but you know what i mean. Although sometime i do throw up in my mouth a little bit..

My "baby father".

I didn't expect for him to remain in my son's life from the point of conception. We fucked (a few times), i got pregnant and we had a baby. No relationship, whatever. That was 8 years ago. I was 17 and did not know a fraction of what i know now regarding life. He was incarcerated for the first 2 years. I didn't pursue child support or state assistance--i took care of my son. My baby father's grandmother and brothers have been extremely supportive of my son since he was about 6 months old. THEY CAME LOOKING FOR ME. He was not there for the birth of Khalil nor did he sign the birth certificate.

I didn't press the issue. If he is doubtful, that's his shit because he will NOT take a DNA test. I mean seriously--if you are doubtful of paternity regarding a child and that child's mother is like "whenever you are ready"--why wouldn't you do it? Anyway, since he has been home for the past 5 years he has been pretty consistent as a parent. He has personal issues with me--i fucked his cousin when i was 19. Truthfully, i didn't understand the rules of engagement at the time. The beating he gave me when he got out clearly explained those to me. Anyway---For the past 6-9 month he has really been on his shit.

I don't expect much. No Money. Seriously, I handle all my own household expenses (even though I'm now unemployed). He is expected to handle all the clothing and holidays (Christmas, Easter...)since i don't celebrate. He won't spend any real time with the child. Not even to come to the boxing gym. He has consistently disappointed my son for most of 2009. I already told him, "what you will not do is fuck with my son's head." I do not talk bad about him around Khalil but i know what it is. He didn't come to the birthday party i gave Khalil and promised to take him Dave and Buster on his birthday. The fool waits until the morning of his birthday to call him (before school) and tell him he wasn't going to take him. He will say he coming then flake with calling and not answer Khalil's call. Bitch ass shit.

WHENEVER HE DISAPPOINTS MY SON--I'M STUCK WITH THOSE ISSUES. THE ANGER, THE HURT. MY HEART BREAKS WHEN I SEE HIM SAD AND I CAN'T FIX IT.

I don't understand and I'm not trying to. What I do know is that stuff like that will NOT continue. I sat my son down with his birth certificate. I knew the day would come--i expected him to be older. Every year i ask my son's father will he sign the birth certificate so does my mother and his grandmother. As i allow my seven year old to read me his birth certificate i explained what everything meant. I gave him his father's last name out of respect--it can be easily changed. I watched Khalil process this information and knew i made a good decision. Hell, i even gave him a copy, told him to ask his father about the situation. This fool had the audacity to tell my man he wants to make sure the blood matches before he signed it.

Okay. He has dodged this bullet for so long. I honestly though we were growing as parents. Communicating, compromising all that grown up stuff. Then he just changed like the wind. He doesn't have a whole bunch of children. Khalil is his only son--just like he to his father. The love a child has for for its parent is so unconditional and genuine. He loves is father like he loves his mother but now he understand that his father just does care as much. I hope now when his father don't come through--it wont hurt as much. I don't want anything from him except for him to be a father. If he can't do that, we are going to have to keep it moving...

Dang--that ran so long, i don't even feel like typing about anyone else right now. lls

2010-01-05T20:53:00.000-05:00

Well, i have done it....Not just in theory either.

See, it just wasn't working and i couldn't make it work. It was unrepairable and i knew it.

He could leave me to believe that he loves me and that is all i should need. Love only gets you but so far, trust, loyalty and respect takes you the rest of the way. I was willing to compromise myself wholeheartedly in hopes that he would grow.

I ended my relationship. It was dysfunctional as shit. There is no doubt that i love him but im not IN love with him anymore. I outgrew him a while ago and i didnt want to admit it to myself. Anyway, when i initially told him i was done he immediately claimed to understand. Then he logically stated, "i guess i didnt grow fast enough". Huh? I was WOWED by this statement because i feel like he knew he was hindering my progress and expected for me to allow it to continue.

If anything i was slipping in retrograde because I had reduced myself to his level of pettiness. Although confessing my indiscretion felt good---i only did it to see his hurt. I did to crush his ego. I wanted him to feel how i have felt time and time again.....and i was successful. That isn't even me.......I would rather leave then to cheat. Why mirror the actions of a little boy in a grown man's boy?

Because i had deluded myself into believing that he would grow. WE would grow together.

he kept cheating...

2010-01-03T22:42:00.000-05:00

Today i register for Baller Alert ( balleralert.com ). I have been following their discussion in my google reader for about 9 months and i felt i was ready. Those chick are real (mostly). After registering, i posted my first topic entitled, "he kept cheating". The first reply presented some much needed reflection into my situation. She presented me with some question to ask myself and even reminded me that they we just my thoughts. Unfortunately, my mind is like puzzle pieces so i must write it out....

http://www.balleralert.com/forum/topics/he-kept-cheating?xg_source=activity

1.1. Are you in love with who he is NOW or who he was in the beginning? Im in love with who

i believe he can be. I don't know how to explain that but i am in love with him now more than i was was in the beginning

2. Why do you not think you can leave him after the betrayal? What is it that he gives you that you don't give yourself? Is he not human? Why will you not find his qualities in another? Remember that relationships are built over time, when you first met him, he didn't have any of you, he squandered his chance now take it away! If a friend keeps breaking the heel of your favourite pair of shoes, you don't let her keep borrowing them and you buying them right? Then why would you let someone do that with your heart? You only get one and it has NO price! Its not that i think that i cant leave him, its more like

why should I? Nothing that i can think of. Yes, he is human. I would definitely find these qualities

in another person.

3. Where do you want this relationship to be in 5 years, and where do you actually believe it is going? Is it the same place? Why or why not. In five years i would like for us to be married settling into

our first home. My son will be twelve by then and i would pray that our relationship (him) has

gained some maturity and sense of responsibility. I feel like its going nowhere because

he does want it to. I feel that he does not possess the necessary forethought to see it.

He doesnt want the responsibility of planning for a future.

4. What is your opinion of cheating? How much does it hurt you, him and the relationship? How about the other people involved?Im conflicted as far as how i feel about cheating.

A part of me feels like its wrong. Every time i cheated i felt bad afterwards and no matter

how good it was or what i gained that it just wasn't worth it. I also feel that males cheat.

Not ALL males cheat but the majority do. I was more hurt that he lied and i had to

find out another way than the act itself. Had i not known then i wouldn't be hurt but when i confronted him with my intuitions and he told me i was being insecure. Only to find out later that he indeed

was not being truthful..that hurt. I dont know about the other people involved. Not my

issue.

5. If your best friend came to you with this query, what would you say to her? The advice you give her is based only on pure love and concern for her well-being so apply it to yourself, cuz YOU should be your own best friend before you let him be one to you. I dont have a response to this, im still pondering.

6. What aspect of his cheating hurts you the most? You will find that it has nothing to do with the actual cheating but with the betrayal you feel. The qualities you want in a life partner are probably the same qualities he is lacking because of this constant cheating. Do you REALLY want that?!

You are correct, the betrayal hurts the most. Its like, "how could you?" and "why". I mean

I thought that we are better than that but his actions showed me otherwise. Its not just his

constant cheating i believe that he has learned. He has a larger problem that i am just starting to

understand which leads me to believe that we are not on the same path. Yes, he does lack some of

the qualities that i seek but he also possesses a lot of them as well.

This post gave me an opportunity to really et some feedback from an open form. The questions presented to me gave me a chance to reflect on the situation and not hold back. I know what i must do, i have known for a while but i just can bring myself to do it. That sucks.

bye 2009

2009-12-31T16:03:00.000-05:00

I should probably rename this blog "My Dysfunctional Relationship" because as i scan my posts over the course of '09--i see that ever other post is about Wally. I don't know what for, he isnt gonna change. I should not even expect for him to change.

Anyway this post is not about him at all.

I dont do new years resolutions....those are for lames. I believe that MY new year starts on my birthday. I mean January 1, 1984 i wasnt even conceived. Since the beginning of my new yeat i have had a few downturns.....i lost my job, my son's father all but stopped providing and i turned down a marriage proposal from the love of my life. Through these times there have been sunny spots-- he hasn't left me, my son is an honor roll student and my landlords are understanding. My new year is in full swing.

I cant complain. 2009 sucked simply because Michael Jackson died. Seriously, i feel like i lost a my favorite uncle. On the other hand i developed a meaningful relationship with my mother. I learned that i am a lot like her in a lot of way and that i love her. I make sure i visit her at least once a week and remind her that i do love her. REGARDLESS OF EVERYTHING--SHE BIRTHED ME AND I WILL FOREVER BE GRATEFUL. The past is the past and she needs me. I believe that everything happens for a reason and if anything---Im stronger. Forgiving my mother made me a better woman and thats what im striving to be.

Good bye 2009, thanks for everything!

Dear Christmas....

2009-12-25T21:17:00.000-05:00

I dont like you. In fact i never did. Before i ever knew that everything you stood for was some bullshit...

i didn't like you. Every year you come around preying on the hearts and minds of little children....growing their materialism while placing their parents in debt. You stand on some bullshit religious platform contributing to the moral bankruptcy of my community.

Niggers with big white Santa's taped to there doors. Fir trees dressed to a tee with an abundance of presents wrapped beneath. Has their rent been paid? NO. Lights? Un-un...i will handle all of that NEXT YEAR(which is really next week). Paying homage to you

again i say i dont like u....i never did..i never will.

Daddys home....

2009-12-20T23:08:00.000-05:00

Thats what the email said.

I didnt know what to think as i opened this electronic missive from someone who was so important to me for so long....

Daddy...

Thats what i called him. I met him when i was 19. The love of my life had just caught a body (murdered someone) and i had to stop going to school to work. We met at MCI. I had made the determination that i was not going to fraternize with coworkers (unless they made more money than me). He was smooth--an older New York cat with finesse. I immediately noticed the ring on his left finger that said he was unavailable. That didn't stop him from pursuing.

Let me mention that i was not feminized at that point, in fact i had just discovered my sexy. I copped my first pair of stilettos that year.

Anyway, our relationship started off innocent enough-we would do lunch. I learned that he had only been married six months and had an infant son.....only one month older than Khalil. After a few months of lunch and him going back to work with a raging hard on, i gave him a hand job.

He actually "courted" me. It was fun and it gave me a break from being depressed about my loved one. He was getting money, i was enjoying it. Sometimes i forgot he was married but it was what it was.

This relationship lasted four and a half years. I enjoyed every minute of it. We never had an argument and when I needed him, he was there. I jumped in and out of relationships and "daddy" was always there to catch me. Sometimes we joked about me going ahead and committing to him although he was married but it was always just a joke to me. I NEVER WANTED MORE. I wasn't in it for the long haul given how we came to be. Never once asked him to leave his wife or put his family responsibilities to the side for me. He thrived while i remained dormant and even went to the left a little bit. He went from a Galant to a H3--so much hustle and i learned a lot. When he decided to become a Freemason, i was all for it.

Then in summer 08' everything changed. I had decided that i needed to change my life and he was the single most supportive source i had. I had decided that i no longer wanted to depend on a male to survive. I wanted to be the mother i knew i could be, but i had NOTHING. He put me in contact with the people i needed to talk to and even put me on an allowance. He came to visit me at the shelter and everything. Stuff started changing fast. Around August the money stopped. Not slowed down--stopped. I didnt really care because i was working and didnt want to be greedy. The visits and calls slowed down as well. I thought it had something to do with Wally. I had told him that i was feeling Waly and was thinking about getting more serious.

About a week before my 24th birthday, he called me and told me he left his wife. The first words out of my mouth were, "go back home". I didnt know what the details were but he was not going to lead me to believe that he had left his family for me. I wasn't falling for that one. Furthmore, due to child support issues all the bank accounts were in his wife's name. What could i do for him? Im 23 in a shelter with my son, he should have went back home. I refused to see him. He didn't call me for a month and by the time he did---i had already heard through the hood that he was getting high.

Im talking Pooky high.

He told me as much when we spoke. I told him the same thing every other woman in his life did--"you need help". He was accustomed to me being the cheerleader, but how could i condone this shit?!? He would call me and be nodding out on the phone and it was breaking my heart. One day after i had moved in my house, he called me highed up asking for my address. One thing i do know is you never let a dope fiend in your house--they will come back when u aint home. It doesnt matter who the fiend is---heroin conquers all. Once he realized i wasnt giving up the information, he told me he would get at me when he got his shit together.

I guess this was that call. I aint going lie as soon as i got the email i was on my way.

I was supposed to be going out anyway, i just changed my plans. I decided that if i did fuck him,

i would make it up extra to Wally and CONFESS immediately.

I went down to the Hustler store and purchased all types of kinky shit....ropes, vibrators, and a mask. You know just in case i fucked up. I went in with the mindset that this is closure.

When i first got to the house a jolt of excitement rushed through my veins.

Here i was on 21st street about to enter our creep away spot--now his home

since he is divorced now. As he opened the door my heart leaped a little. I loved this house.

A 4 story brownstone in an affluent neighborhood, 11 foot windows, hardwood floors throughout.

As i walked in i saw all the renovations that had been done and i had a slight flashback

to the days when i would fantasize about this being my home to decorate.

As well hugged there was no spark in fact i felt a chill.

I knew i was dead ass wrong for being there, Wally loves me.

But i needed to know why.

He gave me a tour and we ended up in his bedroom talking about everything

that had transpired. The more i listened the more i realized that with him is

where i never want to be.

He could no longer be my daddy because i was no longer a little girl.

When he touched me, i tensed up. Made some excuse about having

to meet Wally at my house

and left.

just ranting

2009-12-14T10:14:00.000-05:00

what is the point of being in love with a person if there are so many variables? Why do we lower our standards just for the sake of love.

I constantly hear females complain about how all men are dogs and things of that nature. At one point i defended men relentlessly, "oh, just because he cheats doesn't mean he loves u any less". You would not believe how many females i have said those words to knowing damn well he was cheating with me! As the other woman i understood that males do shit for no reason at all. If he doesn't hit you, burn you and always comes home then what is the problem? I couldn't believe that a man would ever cheat on me. I guess my ego was too inflated because when its all said and done--I'm just a woman.

As the one being cheated on i cant understand why. I cant fathom why any man would want to stray away from me. It has caused me to be insecure and bitchy. I already had trust issues but now they have been multiplied because he is not only a cheater but also a liar. Friends don't lie to each other about anything. You don't say, "i lied to you because i didn't want to hurt you". Seriously, it hurts way worse when you find out another way. When i say insecure, i mean really insecure. I constantly question myself like ,"what am i doing wrong?" or "what does she do that i don't?" but worse of all i feel unwanted. Nobody wants to feel unwanted and ugly. How can someone constantly tell you that they love you but can't commit to you? Doesn't the action cancel out the words.

Every time i bring up the future it ends in an argument where I'm regretting the whole conversation. You antagonized me by saying we should just get married, but damn. Im not ready to jump the broom just yet but you remind me that thats never gonna happen. All i want is some security, its that too much to ask for. So on top of you repeatedly doing the same dumb shit, you leave my heart in suspense. Thanks for feeding into the insecurity that you planted. Its a constant cycle. You don't want me to walk away but you don't want to move forward with me either. I'm beginning to feel like a glorified jump-off. Maybe i am and if that the case, that will also come to light. I need affirmation that here is where you want to be because your actions have show me differently and now I'm filled with resentment.

Yes resentment. That feeling i get whenever i look at you and have to turn away in disgust. Why am i full of resentment? Because you really hurt me. Not by cheating but by lying to me and then leading me to believe that its me. By always apologizing and saying that you wont do it again---only to do it again. I know if i kept getting caught in the same manner, i would probably stop doing what i was doing. You don't give a fuck. You stand on the platform of privacy but when you are a liar you don't deserve privacy. Why do i look? Why shouldn't i look? I don't want it to come as a surprise when you decide that you are done. You already tell other chicks you love them as well, so what am i to believe. So i look and i find something--maybe there shouldn't be anything to find. I didn't look because i was bored i looked because i had a creeping suspicion that was eating away and i needed to know and all you can say is i invaded your PRIVACY! My resentment comes from the fact that i KNOW that I'm not it-- yet i love you too much to just walk away.

untitled

2009-12-05T20:40:00.000-05:00

Harsh nights, long days

an old soul with a young age

she skipped her whole youth

this ageless prostitute

Sex is her influence

money her motivation

survival her struggle

a life led alone

with no one to call her own

the hurts she's endured has

impaired her ability to trust

which fuels her image

ignited by lust

his, but of course

because she has none

left to possess

always in control

even her gestures

expose just how old

this game is to her

She justifies her actions

with monetary satisfaction

a heart a cold as ice

love being her biggest sacrifice

Always received and never issued

for her

emotions just aren't an issue

People pass judgement

she just smiles and relents

since

they need no explanation

because they are not

her salvation.

The path she chose

may weight heavily on her soul

who knows?

she does what she do

walks in her own shoes

with her head held high

this ageless prostitute

infidelity

2009-12-02T13:47:00.000-05:00

This post is about cheating and things of that nature. Definitely random rambling...

1. Just because he cheats on you doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

I know it sounds crazy and even i have felt the insecurities of being cheated on by someone who professes his love for me but listen. I have also been the other woman, jumpoff, mistress, provider....whatever u want to call it. The last seven years of my life has been one big social experiment in the "the male....

It's no secret that I love men. I swear i do. All i want to do is make a man happy and in return he will make me happy. It was never more simple than when i was an escort. He pays for a slot of my time and in return i provide him companionship. No blurred line drawn with an emotional pencil only an agreement between man and woman.

"why do u cheat?"

That was my favorite question. Not asked with an air of judgment, just curiosity. I've received soo many answers that the could fall into catagories....

"because she doesn't do..."

"Because i like this...."

"because She cheated....."

"because i like different things...."

"Because i can"....

The best answer i have every received, the realest one of all came from my man. I asked him, "why do you stray?" Seriously, if im everything that you say i am, why go elsewhere? Is she WORTH it?

He simply said, "it's a dick thing." I love the fuck out of you. I only fuck her, i make love to you. I support you, honor you and always come back. Im always going to come back. She doesn't stay once im don'e and i always feel bad afterwards. It's a dick thing.

I NEVER expected to be on the receiving end of this conversation because i'm me! Seriously. When i decided to walk away he hits me with some shit that i had to take into consideration. My anger is not actually in the act, im hurt but my anger is in knowing. Which lead to #2.

2. If he respects you, you won't know.

i went through his phone and read the sent messages. I need to know the whole conversation. I confront him. Yes, i just invaded his "privacy" and found out something i don't want to know. Well, it shouldn't be there. The same way you want to know/feel that you are the only one, i do too. 3 months later, if i look again, there should be nothing because the argument is not why i went through your phone but why you hold on to shit like this. Its no I in WE and if there is a we, i should be able to look. And vice versa. There are no SECRETS as minimal as a cellphone.

I know all that sounds like a bunch of bs but i like to use my great granddaddy as an example. Him and my granny ma were married 75 years. Yes, damn near a century! Both of them lived to triple digits. At my granddaddy's funeral--a whole nother family was there as well. He had a mistress with whom he fathered babies, took care of and im quite sure he loved. His extra martial affairs were unknown to the ENTIRE family but i believe that granny ma knew. How could she not know? Because my great granddaddy was a MAN he took care of his family first as well as provided for anything that he created. He didnt divorce my granny for this other woman nor did he flaunt her around.

i dont know...just some random rambling about cheating.......did i mention that in the last 10 minutes of 2009, i confessed to an affair just to let him know.....ANYTHING YOU CAN DO, I CAN DO BETTER.

the hood.

2009-11-02T20:23:00.000-05:00

Growing up as a foster child in Baltimore City has allowed me to experience EVERY hood at some point. I stayed longer in some hoods then others but i learned some different shit from every one of them. Like how the prominent blunt in E.V is the backwood but when you go down Whitelock, they blowing chocolate cigarillos (smh). Me, I'm a vanilla dutch person all the time.

My mother moved a lot when i was a young girl. My family is from West Baltimore and my bloodline runs deep. Edmonson Ave and those parts. We spent like 9 months on Division Street back in 91 or 92. That neighborhood too me off the steps. I lived right around the corner from Shake and Bake, the neighborhood skate rink. I couldn't have been more than 7 at the time. My peer group at the time was at least double my age and my mother didn't give a fuck. I ran away for the first time for an extended period of time and got my first suspension and she ain't know for 2 weeks. Stayed with Spanish Maria and her mother like it was nothing. Back to the topic at hand. I spent every available moment running the streets, rocking 5411's and skating like crazy. I heard Tupac for the first time and started writing. I learned about Islam for the first time--that original thought. That hood opened me up for real.

Freedom Way-- when they first opened up back in like 93 ended that travel with the family shit. My stepfather at the time worked as maintenance so we were living free with dope fiend guardians. At that time i was in like the third grade and my home life was extra crazy. My teacher knew. She claimed she felt for me and wished she could help me but she didn't. I was trying to excell at school but everything was getting to be to much. Between the beatings and the other shit that was happening i couldn't take it anymore. I was outside chilling with my home girls (again damn near twice my age) and my mother dragged me in the house by my hair for nothing. That was the beginning, then one evening while in her room i sliced my finger on an exposed razor and she beat me. Her husband was the worse. Anyway that community---environment taught me that i had to be in it for self. I fought a lot. I'm a alpha female. I realized that there was something else beside the hell i had at home, they showed me MIDDLE SCHOOL. Dead ass, i found out about middle school and i just knew i wasn't going to make if i stayed there.

For the sake words, what transpired there landed me in a group home for a while. Let me rewind a little bit. One of my 6 month placements was to a family in Westminster. They first showed me something different. There were a few foster children. The family was racially blended and they were happy. When i started school i was one of maybe six black children with four coming from our house. Academically i held my own. I had already learned the escape of words and my familial responsibilities taught me to count money early. I never wanted to leave but i had to go back, my mother was married. They came and got me some weekends in the beginning but Amelia quickly deaded that. When shit went down i called them and the came and got me promptly. I couldn't stay there so i was off to the group home.

Man, we were far from anywhere i knew and it was a locked down facility. Apparently i had some issues that prevented me from living within a family dynamic for close to a year. Damn orphanages...i just rejected families. I knew i wasn't going home. A lot of girls there wanted to be reunited with the biological, i wanted the right set. I ran a few times then got smart and created a time gap for me before school so me and the other female that attended my school could do different things. I learned how to make things work for me. I went through the label and diagnosis stage of that shit and they released me to a firefighter and his wife. Dude was a pervert too but it didn't matter to me because by then i already knew what it was. He never touched me but after school he would watch porn while i sat on his lap, then he would send me to the store with a $20. When his wife worked weekends we would go shopping. He used to buy me porcelain dolls. Not cheap doll that i could play with-- we would go to antique shows and he would let me pick my doll, then we'd hit the mall. I even called him daddy although i called her Ms. --------. Not to call her a slouch, we shopped a lot. she wanted a "daughter" and i needed a "mother".They had a son that was 2, she wanted a girl. Our (her and i) relationship soured because she started to notice the gifts. She would be like, "where did you get this?" I would say, "daddy bought it for me". They vanity sealed the deal. He had someone make me a pink vanity with my name carved in the top. the argued for hours about it. This cycle lasted about 6 months.

Until my big brother decided that he NEEDED his sister with him.

Park Heights here i come. Apparently, the family that my older brother lived with had available space and he spoke highly of me. Initially i didn't want to go. I had hand picked my family and i wasn't giving that up. I was extremely apprehensive at first. Went on weekend visits like i had a choice in the matter. This is where i would remain for the next six years. Park Heights. Every part of this enigmatic hood. I mean at one end you have a poor, heroine rich ghetto and that the other end a Jewish community. Seriously. But to make it even more serious, all the youth from this lowly ghetto attend school in the heart of the Jewish community. Park Heights raised me no matter how misguided i was. I learned that i had a passion for Spanish as well guns. i was taught that my advanced mathematical skills were a plus. I learned what loyalty is and isn't. I almost lost my life in that hood and even witnessed the death of one of my closest friends at 11.

As deep as Edmonson Avenue runs in my veins, Park heights is in my heart. I got my foundation at that point. I was wild as a fuck. i lost all hope towards the end. The streets had sucked me in. No, i wasn't pushing anything in my veins but i had abandoned all regard for life, even my own. I was ruthless and reckless, not giving a fuck at a young age. By sixteen, i was hopeless. I gained my only FRIEND up their. I also caught my first case up there. Learned what a rat was, real quick. I also learned the importance of education before i lost control, so when i got back on track i was good academically. I could have been better had i not been sitting in a cell but i was good. Thanks to a few good instructors and a dedicated principal, i finished a year ahead of my class.when I came home i started college a semester before my high school class graduated.

Jail is a different type of hood. It is an environment all its own. I can only describe the experience as being striped of humanity and caged. I spent exactly 5 months and 19 days on solitary confinement. 23/1 simply because i was sixteen.No bail, no visits besides lawyers and only my friend flew me kites. I never focused on my situation as much what happened next. Looking at the prospect of prison showed me how alone i was. I got my G.E.D thinking that i was going down Jessup. Well i didn't i went to juvenile detention instead.After i did their program, social services decide maybe i would do better in East Baltimore. I was only 17 by this time.

To be continued..

baby gloves.

2009-10-28T21:30:00.000-04:00

Ive been handling this breakup with a lot of caution.

Seriously.

So i sent that letter....it came straight from my heart. I have been letting everything go. Not like fuck it, just--oh well. The actuality of the situation doesn't hurt anymore. I'm numb. He would lead me to believe that my mind has been playing tricks on me this entire time but he continues to prove my point.

2 weeks ago (his ex-chicks birthday) he sparks a minor argument , then disappears for the entire weekend. No calls, texts--none of that shit. I didn't call him either, i drank. I threw back large amounts of gin all weekend. Alone. Then i had my epiphany and i put it in writing so i wouldn't forget it. When he did decide to contact me, he wasn't met with anger and hostility. For what? I just started observing him.

You know what this nigger does? He calls me last Friday at 6am. I don't get out of my bed until after 7:30. He says that his homeboy asked him if a "young" female could stay a night at his house because she had nowhere to go and he instantly said yes. Little red flags went up everywhere. He proceeds to tell me that he has been up talking to her all night and he just had to call me. He really emphasized how childlike this girl was although she said she was 18. I told him to bring her to me and i would figure something out. He really played on my sympathy with this one.

What he failed to say was this girl was damn near my size. I couldn't fucking believe it. A two minute conversation let me now she was a bit on the slow side. Apparently she had ran away from her group home. Plus she was bloody. I had to buy her some napkins. He seemed to be extremely concerned with his grown ass woman and i could not understand why. I decide to walk her to the store to get her pads and had an idea. I see the neighborhood hustler and i decide to chill with them until the store opens. One guy in particular, I'm kinda digging. This young girl was extra friendly with everyone. I'm thinking, "where the fuck is this shy child Wally was talking about"? So while in on the stoop flirting she's off around the corner with a dude Ive only held one conversation (about peewee football). Just as i suspected, she is a lemon. Even these guys wouldn't take her!

I ended up having to take her to work with me. I damn sure wasn't leaving her in my house. During this time i contacted her case worker, her supervisor and her supervisor as well. Somebody had to tell me what the fuck was up with this child. I mean sure i was a foster child and i ran away constantly but there was alot wrong with this situation. According to her social work she has the mental capacity of a ten year old. Damn. She is a constant run away and she left after getting back to the group home from the emergency room. Furthermore, she was diagnosed with an std as well as pneumonia. Sham Fucking Wow. She didn't even wait for her prescriptions to be filled. She packed a dufflebag and rolled out.

Long story short---i had a talk with her and she went back to the shelter. Wally insisted--pretty much demanded that i give her his number in case she needed someone to "talk" to. I replied, "that's why i gave her my number". He got pissed so i gave her his number and left it alone. Oh well. That was Friday morning.

That night we were supposed to go out. I got all sexy and everything. He got here from work and feigned tiredness. He was exhausted from the lack of sleep the night before. I say okay. Around 1:30 in the morning he hopes up and says he needs to take a walk. Yes, a walk. While he "walked", i drank. Two hours later when he returned, i was drunk. Again, no anger or hostility, just oh well. When i woke up the next morning, i didn't even want to be next to him. When he left for work he left his house keys and some money to get there. I spend the rest of the afternoon with the hustler from around the corner.

Sunday we went to Atlantic City. One the way up i told him i didn't want to see him more than twice a week. He asked could he accrue days. Yup. That was that. I had a blast and I'm sure he did too. We just didn't together. I made sure he left with money and i did too. I shot craps at another table drinking screwdrivers. We ate dinner but i couldn't bear to sit across the table from him waiting for our meal courses so i went and sat at the bar while waiting for the next course. A guy made passes at me and purchased me drinks, i felt comfortable. Halfway through the main course he said he was full, left me with his credit card and returned to the casino.

I have only talked to him 3 times since then and i make my conversations as brief as possible. He's ready to cash in on his second day for this week and i don't even want to see him at this point. Its not that i don't want to see him but i really need the distance. I tried to talk to him.

My hustler friend is occupying my free time these days.

sexuality

2009-10-18T08:02:00.000-04:00

So it's early Sunday morning

and he's sleeping next to me

once again caught up

in the rapture of my sexuality

he can't say no

and i wont let him go

why should i?

He give me business

every time--

i ain't gone lie

everything else has fallen apart

and in the rubble

lies pieces of my heart

given to him

to create us

the thought saddened me

but i only want his touch

anyone else just wouldn't feel right

after the escalation of every fight

and the words that cant be taken back

i exert my sexuality

and let him get from the back

recanting every statement i made

just moments before

between every apology

im screaming

"give me more"

as he places his seed with me

i accept it willingly

knowing it was only gifted

because of my sexuality

unsent letter

2009-10-12T22:36:00.000-04:00

October 12, 2009

Dearest Wally,

Ask i reflect on this past weekend of no communication and binge drinking (on my part) i am utterly disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself for not being able to handle my emotions better. Im frustrated that when you have yourself set on doing something, regardless of how pointless it is, you are going to do it. Out of fucking rebelling. Im tired of every argument turning around on me and who i USED to be. I'm depressed because i know its over, and theres no changing that. I know you will come back but it wont be because you love me or because you are in love with me. Your lust will bring you back. My love will welcome you--it will be familiar and different all at once. After your desire has been sated, you will again state that you "need space"; only this time there will be no objection from me.

How can i object when I don't make you happy. After months of hearing you say that i make you miserable i finally get it. It just not going to work. Just like every other man, you only want to possess me physically----in the biblical sense. And i know you would never admit to that because you do love me. It's that knight in shining armor thing--you wish you could save me. You don't even know what you are rescuing me from and you just want to make it better.Honey, know that you did. You saved me from myself. You even offered to marry me although you didn't want to do it. My love for you runs deep, i felt that hesitation and relief. I probably did one of the most selfless thing ever by backing out because you just don't know how much i would love to be Mrs. Wallace L. Robertson Jr.

Sadly, i know that will never be. You aren't ever going to be ready as long as im on the other end waiting and i understand why. Don't read this text as say thats not it, really think about it. You would have to present ME to the world. Perception is everything and you are a person who relies on it heavily. Me, not so much anymore. I can't be your baby's mother, sorry. I deserve to be someone's wife. I deserve to be able to build my future/legacy with my partner in life. I don't deserve to be again in a position i was in at seventeen--no matter how much i love the father this time around. You deserve a woman that you can present to your mother and father with pride. You deserve happiness. Who am i to strip you of these things?

I cannot wait. If you perceive this to be selfish or anything like that you can throw that shit out the window now. Selfish is to tell me that i should wait for you do everything else and come back to me. Maybe i have simplified this love thing too much----If i love you and you love me; what is everything else for? What are you looking for? What's wrong with ME? But, you constantly tell me you love me, so i can't understand.....should i have to understand? Have i truly damaged my credibility to the extent that i have to settle? I've never felt so insecure and i wear it on my sleeve. My confidence is fleeting and i must catch it. It is what has held me through the years and i gave it to you when you needed it and now i must get it back.

I've come too far to stop and sit still because i've learned that i can have whatever i want. Unattainable things are just that--unattainable. My laws taught me that i should show disdain for things that i cannot have. I have no contempt in my heart for you. I needed these words to be transcribed from my heart in order to make it stop hurting. The pain, not caused by but continued by you. We are on two different pages in this book of life. Im not a slow reader but you arent good listener. I know im not either but ive got experience, with counts for a lot. My years far exceed 25 and my knowledge is fruitful.

I guess what i'm saying is our season is over. What i thought was a lifetime was only a season. I know i gave you knowledge or at least i hope i did. You definitely taught me some things. In your gamblers term--we broke even.

With all My Love,

Sharita

I got a lot on my mind today

2009-10-09T00:41:00.000-04:00

I guess its now time again let go of some of this emotional baggage and clear my head.

Broken Trust

I tell him, "love and trust are not the same thing." I attempt to explain to him that i do not trust him. Its not because of something a past boyfriend did to me and im now bitter. His past actions directly lead to my current emotions. Although he won't directly say, his response is pretty much summed up as oh well, deal with it and accept it. Well im a woman i don't have to. Plain and simple. The way things have transpired over the past few weeks or even months have left me drained. He has the potential to be a great man but he would rather straddle the fence as far a becoming that. i can't subject myself to watching. I've done all i can to show him--hey we can make us better. He is still concerned with things that can't be changed and what he hasn't done yet. Thing that don't need to be done. I hope he finds what he is looking for since i know it isn't me.

Potential is nothing if you are not going to use it(life lesson #321).I've always seen something extra in Wally. He KNOWS he has it, but he only goes on that.Never trying to reach his full potential for whatever reason. After his admission that he still harbors feeling about my past lifestyle, i know must commence this relationship.Seriously, i can understand why he would if he does and to hear him say-- i know it is the end. Man, my feelings are hurt but i will get over it.My epiphany came when we were about MARRY. Seriously, this love i have for him is strong but in the final few moments i realized he wasn't ready and backed out. I was cool. I again sacrificed my feelings for him but im good because i found the words to describe how i feel....

"Rotting strawberries taste than

no strawberries at all"

- http://walkwithamari.wordpress.com/2009/10/07/a-bitter-reality/

I'm being bullied and it sucks. I have a 55 year old woman with an issue with me. I have deduced her to be the miserable type. She lonely and she wears it on her sleeve because she set in her ways. I truthfully do not know what i did to intially have her direct her most negative energy towards me but my natural defensive reaction is to return the sentiment. I know i should be able to ignore he and i have been ignoring her for the better part of 6 months now. When i saw where this was going i followed the "procedures" and in no way did i receive any relief. If anything i was made aware of how much of a threat she truly posed to my livelihood. So i went back to ignoring and now the situation is still escalating. I've already lost this one. But i do i stopped a continued assault on my peace? I hate beaurocracy. See the major of my life has been a system so i understand and when i was sitting in the office today i felt like the fucked up foster child again----hearing i wish i could help u but my hands are tied. Its easier to give up on you then get through some read tape. She knows this, and I allowed her to bring me out of character enough for them to take notice so something has to change.

2009-09-13T21:48:00.000-04:00

Dear Kanye,

As a consistent fan of you since before you ever rapped a bar, i felt this letter necessary to write you this letter.

For the past year or so things about have you been changing. I initially blamed it on the loss of your mother (my sympathies still). I never really had a mother so i would lie and say i understand. Then you and your chick broke up and you looked like you took that pretty hard as well. Your cockiness didn't go anywhere though. You made a whole CD in auto tune--and that shit ROCKED. You're a fucking genius.

Back to the topic at hand. You rebounded from that female fairly quickly with that blond, bald goddess of a woman, AMBER ROSE. She complements you well. After making her an overnight celebrity, your ego disappeared. Sure, your swag and fuck it nature was there but the outspoken 'Ye was gone. You did the Louis deal, brought out some Nike and laid back. Day after day i trolled the blogs waiting to see some new fuckery from you--but NOTHING. I just knew you were going to act a nut job about the gay fish/south park but still nothing. You were beginning to disappoint me.

The past few weeks you have been going off on the paparazzi but so has everyone else. Amber has been doing her, even by herself now and i know your proud. They started whispering that maybe you had lost your heart...until TONIGHT!!!! I FUCKING LOVE YOU.

Thank you for reminding fans like me that you haven't changed. I was pissed that this unknown female had won the award as well but THANK YOU for being a big enough ASSHOLE to tell the world about your disdain. I know there gonna be some backlash from this, you do to but who the hell cares--MTV has been jerking people since forever. They should have been learned to stop fucking with you 'Ye.

Love

HAZYSIN (a fan of your undying arrogance)

dealing with the pain.

2009-09-07T11:58:00.000-04:00

its hard to deal with the psychological issues im having about my abortion. It seems like im all alone and I'm wearing a sign that reads, "hey, i killed my baby". Most days i try not to think about it but when i do i have these uncontrollable crying fits.

Earlier today when Wally and I went arguing about why he was NOT going to my mother's wedding in a few days somehow our conversation switched to why we aren't together. I hate the way he looks at me sometimes, with utter disgust. Its safe to say i broke up with him and killed his baby but he blames himself for everything. He has been so understanding about the whole situation although his heart is broken.

Today everything came to a head with one question, "was i not good enough for you to have my baby?" I couldn't respond because at that point i realized how selfish i was. How callous and uncaring i was for expecting this man to love me the same even after i had aborted his future. How could i not see that he is truly in pain. He told me that he has some resentment towards me. Understandable. Not to many things leave me speechless but the realization that i broke Wally's heart had me like "damn". He started out the door to go home and i felt like he was leaving forever and i start crying profusely. I dont know what made him come back but he did. Khalil told him he made me cry, and Wally said i wasn't crying. He doesnt understand how hard the decision was for me especially since i regret it.

I think that part of the reason we are right back where we were before. Still having unprotected sex with the understanding of the consquences. He knows i dont have it in me to get another abortion and i guess im silently hoping i get pregnant again. Every "reason" i had to have the procedure went out of the window immediately after. I was just selfish.

Oral Fixation

2009-09-06T17:08:00.000-04:00

i told him i was hungry

he said,

"come here, let me feed you"

then he proceeded to

place is organ in my face

erect and rigid

saluting me

he said

open wide let me inside

which i did

slowly i began

giving him head

i started at the tip

and languidly ran my tongue down his shaft

i didn't rush because i wanted him to last

when my tongue touched his balls

i closed mouth encompassing him all

I felt his stiff manhood

pulsating in my throat

I'm breathing through my nose

trying not to choke

as my man grabbed the back of my head

trying to go deeper into my oral cavity

the whole time he's whispering

about how much he needs me

as i feel myself beginning to gag

i pull back with a mouth full of spit

all of which i released on his dick

as my saliva glides downward

towards his balls

i lick them slowly

catching it all

When i look up

and make eye contact with him

he smiles, i smile

and put his dick back in

he lets out moan

as i go deeper

moving my head faster

and faster

from the base to the tip

I'm eating it

as life i need it to live

his thrust began

to meet my stroke

forcing dick

deep in my throat

his moans turn to yell

his cock begins to swell

i brace myself

since i knew what was coming

he grab my locks

engaged my throat

and began cumming

to be continued....

FOR MY BLACK WOMEN

2009-09-02T00:43:00.000-04:00

"Where there are no decent women, there are no decent men, for the Black woman is the mother of civilization."
Honorable Elijah Muhammad

I have soo much to say about "us", that i don't know where to start. When will black women start to realized that we are only pawns. Tools that are used to further attack our men. We don't care, we load their guns by providing the ammunition necessary to keep us further separated.

The role of the woman in a relationship is to provide support to the man while he provides and protects. To nurture the children that your union has brought about. Support is not just sex, but is also understanding that he is a MAN. His role as a man has been stunted because he's black and the one creation on earth designed for him(the black woman) has turned her back on him. As long as we keep our backs turned, we cannot see the pain in their eyes, cannot see the tears he shows only to us, and worse we cannot offer the open arms of reassurance. Versus trying to support the men while they attempt to provide in this harsh society, we criticize, scutinize, and ostracize. You assist in breaking their spirits, then call them weak. Why? You do it because it was taught to you.

Have every wondered why they call us bitch, like its our first name? Its because we have become bitches, not female dogs but mean, spiteful, cold, harsh females. Webster changed the definition, to define a characteristic. Worse, why do you answer to the calling?

You make babies to keep men, and then when they decide to leave you report them to the government when he told you from the beginning that he wasn't ready to be a father. Sex doesn't equate to love so stop trying to force it to. A child is a new life and regardless of everything, a WOMAN takes care of her children. You become bitches when you make baby after baby without concern for the fate of the child. Yes, some men are dogs laying with anything, but if your man is a dog doesn't that make u a bitch?

Woman, we have ceased being the backbone and have tried to become the head. As females we are too emotional a creature to be the head. The head leads with reasoning and clear thought. There is a role reversal of sort which leads to this "independant woman" movement. I like to call it the lonely woman crisis. I know its a shortage of men but to say you don't need one, is a fucking lie. We need them just as much as they need us. The harder we make it for them, the harder they make it for us. Then u have the audacity to get angry when he steps outside of the race, when those women make them feel like a man. You treat them like young boys.

REBEL

2009-09-02T00:37:00.003-04:00

REBEL©

I WANT TO REBEL
FUCK IT, IM A REBEL
I CANT ACCEPT THE NORM
IT AINT RIGHT
SO I'LL NEVER CONFORM
I WON'T TAKE WHAT YOU OFFER ME
THE PRICE IS TOO HIGH
FOR SOMETHING SOO CHEAP

TAKE MY FAMILY
BECAUSE THEY ARE A PART OF ME
OKAY
THEN I'LL STAND ALONE
SOMEDAY
I'LL FIND MY WAY HOME
'CUZ ALTHOUGH IM GONE
IM NOT FOTGOTTEN
AND ALL THAT'S LOST
MUST BE FOUND
SO THEY KNOW
I'LL BE BACK AROUND

IM MUST REBEL
TO ESCAPE
THIS SUPERIMPOSED HELL
OR AT LEASE TRY
EVEN IF I HAVE TO DIE
YOU SET SOO MANY TRAPS
TRYING TO HOLD ME BACK
BUT YOU DIDN'T COUNT
ON ME CALLING U OUT
OR BEING STRONGER
YOU NEVER INTENDED ON ME
SEE YOU FOR WHAT U REALLY ARE
YOU GIVE DISEASE
DRUG AND FAMINE
BUT GUESS WHAT
IM STILL GOING TO WIN

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS
YOU CORRUPT MY YOUTH
CLOUDING THEIR MINDS
DISTORTING THE TRUTH
IM PREPARED FOR THAT
'CUZ MY REBELLION
WILL LEAD TO THEIR
REVOLUTION
WHAT YOU GOING DO THEN?
I LET THEM KNOW FROM THE START
"INGORE THE BULLSHIT,
DON'T TAKE IT TO HEART"
"IF YOU DON'T FEEL IT,
DONT BELIEVE IT"
AND
"IF IT LOOKS LIKE EVERYTHING,
THEN IT'S PROBABLY NOTHING"
"EARN EVERYTHING YOU GET
SO THEY CAN'T TAKE IT BACK"
"EASY COME, EASY GO
DONT HESITATE IN SAYING NO"

WITH A THIRD EYE
AS CLEAR AS MINES
I COULD NEVER BE DECEIVED
BY AN OPEN ENDED LIE
OR SOMETHING THAT SHINES

IM A REBEL
SO I MUST REBEL
I WON'T BUY THE BULLSHIT
Y'ALL TRYING TO SELL
SEE
THE STRUGGLE IS BEAUTIFUL
SO I KNOW WHAT
I MUST DO

for my black men please feel me and understand

2009-09-02T00:21:00.000-04:00

"Black males, in particular, are endangered. Our attitudes, our ignorance, our savagery are all lending to a plan — a conspiracy to make the Black man, not endangered, but extinct. ..."
Minister Farrakhan (recently)

Now, I don't profess to be a N.O.I follower or even a fan of his man, but this is the truth. Black men are the most hated creatures on earth. Also, the most feared. In order to mask the fear they have for you, they dumb u down, kill you, cage you, and worst of all; they emasculate you. They remove the ability to fully function as a man within a family unit or even a society. I don't understand how a male can look at his fruit and still leave. Honestly, do u really believe that your child will fare any better than u did, when u lacked a father yourself? As i stated in an earlier blog, "the breakdown of the black family, started with the missing man". Because you are male doesn't make you a man. Although every male is equipped with the ability to procreate, only a man stays.

You leave your daughters. A future woman, abandoned by her first man. Worse still, some of you abuse their mothers, with them to watch. Would u tolerate someone that you daughter believe she loved physically and emotionally, abusing her? Well, she sees all of this, she soaks it up, and when she goes out in the world, she seeks just that. An all around abusive male, who instead of protecting her, is her primary source of pain. This male with whom she stay because she believes this is love, oh and not to mention those 4 kids he started putting up in her at 16. When a real man comes around, she cannot recognize him,because he's not you. If you want your daughter to truly be better than her mother than assist in building the mother so she can properly grow the daughter.

When i became the mother of a son, i realized that i didn't just have a baby; i brought forth a future man...a future BLACK MAN. Regardless of his age now, his training began at birth because their warfare starts there (Black male children are more likely to die at birth than any other racial group worldwide). Jay-z said it best, "Its a war going on outside, no man is safe from...".

Every mother of a black male child has a fear. Its the fear that her son won't have the opportunity to become a man. Afraid of jail, or untimely death due to the pressures of becoming a product of his enviroment. How do i know? I know because after the overwhelmingly joyous feeling i had after his delivery; came this fear, a festering fear that will not leave regardless of how much i try to ignore it. My son is only 6, we've got a lifetime, i pray, but when our young men are getting arrested at 6, how can i not be afraid. Observing him lets me know that children WANT role models and when they aren't available, they teach each other.

Our brain needs food for though in order to fully develop and they are feeding our minds the equivalent of raw pork. They give us drugs...you sell/use them; they give us disease....you spread it unremorsefully; they label us as animals.....you embrace it and say you are a "savage". They constantly feed us bullshit and ya'll digest it because you don't eat vegetables. We have became so focused on money and the things that it brings that we have forgotten to fight.

In closing, i'd like to say, it is not naturally possible for a woman to teach to teach a boy how to become a man. True, we can assist the in the process because we set the example of the type of female they should want(ima talk about that too), but being a man, we cannot. I'm glad i learn this early; i couldn't teach my son how to piss in the toilet. See something as basic as toilet training of the male child, is left up to the father because lord knows as a female, standing up to pee isn't happening. True, i am single. True, for the most part my son's father is absent, but i refuse for my child to be around shiftless, lazy ass, feminized males.

"Diddy might have his own clothing line and a Manhattan address, but Blacks are moving into prison at four times the rate of Blacks in South Africa during the apartheid era," Farrakhan said. "Tiger Woods' face might be on every billboard, but 340,000 Blacks are homeless in America on any given night."
Minister Farrakhan

You know, there's not a big jump between Endangered and Extinct and the Black Man has been Endangered for a long time.

for my son

2009-09-02T00:20:00.000-04:00

theres no one in this world
who
could compare to u

I wake up everyday
with u on my mind
my last vision at night
throughout my dreams
and my first sight
illuminated by early sunlight

there are none that i
would place before u
in time u will understand
how much i adore u
i call u my lifesaver
because u came when
they said " no one can save her"

When I feel my worst
you say im the best
for u
i'd run forever
no need to rest

I live for you
i'd die for you
when you hurt
I cry for you
always know
theres nothing
in this world
I wouldn't do for u

niggaz and bitches

2009-09-02T00:18:00.000-04:00

NIGGAZ & BITCHES©

these niggers never open there eyes
they accept, embrace and
add to the lies
trying to stay blind to the fact
that
they have labeled themselves
accepted something
even worse than
Black

i cant forget the bitch
yeah, she does exist
worried about these niggaz
forgetting the men
no time to nurture
trying to get in
where she THINKS
she fits in
they assigned a role
title, so to say
these bitches
ran with it
not looking back
but her mother was a bitch
so she didnt warn her of
the consequences of her act

i feel sorry for the niggaz
i dont excuse the bitches
all can say is open your eyes
ignore the illusions
end all of this
senseless confusion

lets talk about it

2009-09-02T00:14:00.000-04:00

Let's Talk about It

To all those who just want to talk about it

I want to say so many things
express my every feeling
from the ones that make me cry
to the ones that make me sing

I want to communicate through
so much more than just words
speak my silent thoughts
the ones you haven't heard
I need more time
right now I haven't got the nerve

Silence never breathes answers
but noise brings trouble
you questions brought problems
why do I have to say "I Love You"

You say "Let's talk about it"
and now here I sit
torn between everything and you
damn, you've put me in a tough position
what am I to do?

lost

2009-09-02T00:13:00.001-04:00

sometimes i dont know
whether im here or there
most days
i dont even care
i could say
"im lost without you"
but its too cliche
i dont know what to do
days like night
nights like day
damn
its all the same
my heartbreak
my pain
that i brought upon myself
i think
being with you
contributed to health
cuz now im lovesick
and i cant stand this
shit
i want you back
and i know i left
at that time
i thought i thought
it was for the best
i was wrong
cuz "we" were right
regardless
of every fight
im willing to pay
whatever the cost
cuz without u
im lost

from you to me

2009-09-02T00:12:00.001-04:00

FROM YOU TO ME©

i love you so much

and when i look at him all i see is us

your eyes, my smile

your swag, my style

a constant reminder

of a love gone asunder

lost across worlds and times

sometimes its hard to read between the lines

so we had a lack of undertanding

and im not mad

your with me everyday

why would i be sad

he talks like me

but think you

my future man

and he's also you

when i see him

i get lost

and my mind starts to wonder

how could i ever feel less complete

when i know

your always with me?

From you to Me

arrested love

2009-09-02T00:10:00.001-04:00

Arrested Love©

I FEEL THE PAIN
FROM MY MAN WHO'S LOCKED IN CHAINS
GREW UP EARLY
RASH DESICIONS
TOOK HIM FROM ME
I FEEL EVERY WORD
AND READ BETWEEN EACH LINE
I FLY MY KITES, SEND HIM MINES
HE'S HERE ONLY IN HEART
GOT CAUGHT UP BUT
HE WAS A MAN FROM THE
START.
PUT FAMILY ABOVE ALL
ELSE
EVEN HIMSELF
I UNDERSTAND HOW THE GAME
DRAWS YOU IN
NOW YOU PLAYING
NO CHOICE BUT TO GO FOR THE WIN
I RESPECT YOU FOR THAT
REGARDLESS OF THE ACT
WHICH TOOK U
FROM ME
EVERY WORD OF EVERY PAGE
ONLY ELONGATES THE DAYS
THATS YOU'VE BEEN GONE
THE TRAPS THEY SET
MY LOVE,
I KNOW THEY'RE WRONG
I MISS YOU LIKE
EVERYDAY
SO
I JUST LET THE WORDS
ON MY PAGES
REFLECT WHAT
MY HEART
HAS
TO
SAY

why

2009-09-02T00:08:00.000-04:00

PEOPLE WANNA MY MOTIVES
THEY NEED A REASON
AS TO WHY I DO THIS:

I DO IT FOR MY SON
CUZ BEFORE EVEN ME
MY KING IS 1

ITS IN MY VEINS
BLOOD LINE
ALL MY ACTIONS SHOW THE SIGNS

I JUST GOT HERE
SO LET ME MAKE IT CLEAR
YA GIRL
NOT GOING NOWHERE

IM FOCUSED SO
TO THE TOP I GO
I MEAN
I'LL LET U FOLLOW
CUZ I WAS BREED TO
LEAD
I GOT NOTHING BUT HEART
SO WITH MY PEN
IMA LET MY
SOUL BLEED
THE WAY THEY SPEAK ON ME
I SHOULD BE A CELEBRITY
I LOVE MY HATERS
NO AUTOGRAPHS NOW
I'LL SIGN EM LATER

aborted reactions

2009-08-27T00:07:00.000-04:00

Man, as i reread my post, it saddens me. As a woman, i feel dead inside. I feel like maybe it wasn't the best decision. No matters how much you weigh the pros and cons, not allowing new life to come forth is a hard pill to follow. Man, Wally is going through it. He put on his best strong man suit for me but now.... Now hes in mourning. Seriously, he felt this lost more than i simply because in his mind i was the earth in which he choose to plant his seed and im worse than a barren field which produces nothing. I am the destroyer of my own production. In a sense a baby is truly his. Although we (women) carry eggs--he provides the seed. when i first started studying islam 7 years ago i got into a dispute with a brother because i was pregnant with my son and i repeated made reference to "my baby". He told me i didnt have the right to speak of my unborn child in a possessive manner. I began to debate (2 year citywide debate team champ) my reasons as to why this was my baby and his father was minimal. The brother allowed me to state my point clearly before he shut me the fuck up. The brother said, "if i planted an appleseed right here on Greenmount Avenue what would grow?" Naturally i replied, "an apple tree". He then said, "if i take another seed from that same apple and plant it in china; what will grow?" An apple tree. This was when i was preggers with my firstborn. How could i forget, that conversation is why Khalil is by himself. I wanted it to be Wally therefore it was. Thats why i threw all regard out of the window. Thats why i allowed myself to be fertilzed by him. How could i do this to him. How could i not see that that final request after all of the i support what ever decision you make ("Rita please dont kill my baby"); why did i ignore it? He was dead fucking serious.

My guy--same guy that just last year allowed me to pretty much bully a female into an abortion simply because i didn't believe he was ready for a child--is going off the deep end. He told me he feels this loss simply because he wanted it and while i just killed an egg and i will get another soon....that baby has been in his nutsack his whole life and was strong enough to get here. i told him i was concerned about him and think that maybe he needs to talk to someone but now he just wants his space, even from me. He hasn't talked to his parents about it or anything. He keeps blaming himself for my decision, he believes his lustful ways led to this situation. I told him it wasn't that but whatever has manifested in his mind wont got away. I refused to see him for days after the procedure because i didn't stop moving. I got the abotion on Tuesday evening after work and i was back at work the next morning (late)and when he did come see me my son was a constant distraction but he definitely told me that he feels disgust when we are together. My heart is broke in so many ways right now.

2009-08-21T23:59:00.001-04:00

"you need to get rid of him, he's blocking your blessings"

"He's a lame"

"you two aren't even on the same level"

Those are just a few of the quotes from random people in my life regarding Wally. Truthfully our breakup was inevitable. The only thing that we do good together is have sex. Remarkable, passionate sex. We love each other but we cannot even agree on whether or not we have a future together.

Man, i miss my Wally. I really, really don't like that we aren't together. Im going through a lot of emotional changes and i don't even know why. Even after killing his baby he still loves me, thats beautiful. Now, i feel like all of the petty issues that lead to our split could have been worked out. The other chicks, they didn't really matter. I just used them as an excuse. If anything i was the destroyer in this sitaution simply because i scrutinized everything. I couldn't just allow him to be great. I never allowed myself to even attempt to trust him. I may never have another man love me the way he does and all i can do is push him away.

I met this guy about two months ago, Daniel. So fucking sexy it's crazy. He's like 5'5 (short since im 5'9), 160 of pure muscle, chocolate, with perfect teeth. Did i mention he is Nigerian? I actually took him from a female from an earlier writing but the first time i met him, i had to have him. Wally and I were going through a lot of problems and Daniel was cool. He does the auto repair thing so his hands are far from soft ( i like rough hands). The fact that he is married was the biggest plaus because i know there aren't any string attached. My son instantly took to him, not disrepectful in the least.

Initally, i was having some Verizon issues,i though my service was turned off. My "homegirl" and i were discussing the matter of phone bills when i made a remark to the effect, "they will get paid when i get paid". Daniel interjected and asked me how much my bill was and i immediately responded, "$76.15". Not ignoring the fact that he was dealing with this hoodrat to a minimal....i mean whenever we went around the shop it was so she could ask for a bag of weed or cigarette or 2. Petty stuff to a G like me. Every time i hit his Newport pack i politefully asked and he always responded, "you can have anything you want."

For the first time in over a year someone beside Wallace had caught my attention. Not to take away from Wally because everything was everything.

Back to this Daniel situation. I started chillaxing with said female more and more so i could see this sexy African. I would watch him while he worked on the cars and we would make conversation. My thoughts always remained the same, why does he even put up with this bitch. She has a small army of children, no hometraining, no education, no sexy...she is literally a piece of shit. I could definitely use a benefactor right now.

When he asked the amount of my bill, my instincts kicked in immediately. As soon as she was out of earshot dealing with her children, he says "IF I GIVE YOU $50 CAN YOU PAY THE REST?". Hell yeah! Even after pocketing his strings free money i still had no intentions on crossing the line with him out respect to this dummy. She decided to act crazy on Whitelock and Druid Hill. When i decided to bring the nigger out of me she ran in her house and locked her screen door. She continue to attempt to shot holes through my credibility to any of passerby or onlooker. I wasn't responding to her at first but when i did, i made it simple. i told her,

"ima see you, better yet you gonna see me."

she started talking about who she was gonna call and all that jazz. By this time my homegirl Kiyan was trying to get me to leave. But i was in full blown hoodrat mode so i keep going in on her.

"i wasn't gonna fuck with him but since im a hoe, imma show u how u do this hon. He wont be fucking with you anymore, trifling bitch".

I spit on her screen door (because she was behind it) and left. I immediately walked around to his shop. Got some carfare and went over East Baltimore. I was fuming and the trip down the hill didn't help. This heffa was calling Ky's phone talking that bullshit. Once i got back over West i went straight to the shop. We smoked a couple of bones and went had some drinks. That night i gave him the business as i knew it sans the oral. Every position he wanted it in i gave it to him. Truthfully he fucked me silly and his backshots were rediculous. New dick is like that.

Did i feel bad? Immediately afterwards. I couldn't even talk on the ride home. I really wanted to cry. I felt like i had been weak and had no explanation.

Did i tell Wally? fuck no.

Do i still feel bad? Everyday.

Two days later i found out i was pregnant. That same night i broke up with Wally. I rapidly attempted to distance myself from Wally and Daniel was right there. I didnt continue fucking him but the different vibe was good. He started letting me hold his car at first and last Saturday he surprisesd me with my own car. I did say he was married, right? No string attached. The car is back in his possession now--im not ready for that rope. Wally is a persistant one though, his love runs deep. I swear i don't want him to go. When i got the keys to the Cadi, Wally was in my house waiting for me. I was supposed to using Daniel's wife's van to do school shopping. The Cadi was a suprise. I drove it all day and returned it to him that night (fucked up too).

I thought that the abortion would completely destroy us, but it hasn't. If anything i feel better. Sad at times but definitely better.

My indescretion has definitely shown me where i want to be. The african can monetarily do more and sexual hes like an 8 on a 1-10 scale (still not fucking with my boo) but all i see is a trick in sheeps clothing. Not what i NEED at all. I want to spend my forever with him. He doesn't think in the realm of forever. Wally makes me happy and a lot of my jaded view of him have gone because no one will every be better than him in my eyes.

HES THE GREATEST.

damn

2009-08-19T23:57:00.000-04:00

having my son taught me a valuable lesson in procreate--be aware of who you are breeding with.I rolled the dice the first time and I'm lucky i didn't crap out.

Recently, my on again/ off again and i were faced with the baby issue. I truly believed that i was sterile due to a bad pregnancy until last October. We were told by a pregnant doctor while i was on a completely unrelated ER visit. So i guess, we knew what we were getting ourselves into. My feelings regarding another baby are as follows:

1. I will NEVER be a "babymama" again. I made a decision to have at child out of wedlock @ 18.

2. My desire to have another child is minimal.

3.If i do decide to birth more babies, it will be at my HUSBANDS request. No marriage, no baby.

4. I will NOT get married because I'm pregnant. My guy, he knows these things. He has been on of my closest friends, to the extent that he was one of first people to know i was with my son. I determined DURING the delivery of Khalil there would be no repeat....

Then my doctor told me i was pregnant last month and my whole world fell apart. Primarily because he doesn't have any children and anything less than a baby would destroy our already fragile relationship. So i initially did not tell him.In fact i laid ALL my evidence out as to why he was a dog and left him.

Lord know i love him, just not enough to persecute a child by giving it less than a functional family. My son will son be seven and i watch him go through it when he has two parents, 2 homes and everything he asks for.

With all that said, i was still entertaining the idea of bringing forth new life, simply because as a woman that what I'm designed to do. My son is already doing his own thing.Boxing, friends, video games and part of me misses my baby. What if i never got pregnant again, i would hate myself. Khalil wants a sibling--he's not even picky anymore.

those thoughts had me straddling the fence.

Last week i started bleeding, bad. I told him. How could i not, i was planning to anyway. Since i decide to do it again. Have the baby, that is. I can't even lie, inside i was excited as hell. He was angry at being in the dare but too concerned about my health to bitch. I hadn't miscarried but man did the shit hit the fan. See he knew my feelings and i knew his but before i could really express my feelings about having the baby, i listened to him.

His mindset was not that of really having a child, it was more of keeping ME sane. Although he wanted a child and believed that i was the ONE, he stood back and watched. He pushed his selfishness to the side and saw it as i did--we have NO intention on being together, why put a child through that. We come from 2 completely different ends of the spectrum..he come from a 2 parent home; i was a foster child.

I got an abortion yesterday.

bye honey

2009-08-04T00:43:00.000-04:00

up and down

round and down

this emotional roller coaster

that we called love

felt like we were going

one million mile per hour

when my emotions are

more fragile then a flower

i tried to toughen up

grow a thicker skin

we should have kept it neutral

you could have remained my friend

i thought you knew me

better than u did

i definitely didnt know

u well enough to let u

in my head

i apologize for all your lies

i guess its better this way

im sorry you didnt want me

the same way i wanted you

you could have said no

now i cant even talk to u

i wish i wasn't in love

it would be easier

spent months trying

to make a baby but

you weren't even ready

for a relationship

now look at the shit

i got go through

big decisions to make

all by myself

im disgusted by your disregard

damn, did i try too hard

or not not enough

i know im everything

u said i was

but seriously

did it take away from my love

i hate that i choose you

even though you chased me

Growing Days

2009-07-26T00:03:00.000-04:00

the first time i took mass transit alone I was 7. I remember it was my seventh birthday. We lived in Freedom Way Willage back when they first open. We lived rent free because my stepfather was a maintenance man. I had a hell of a time when we moved there, escially since I was coming back from foster care and my mama was married.

Back to the topic at hand. When i woke up that morning i had a headache, my mother had braided my hair the night before, damn. Before I left out that morning to walk to school, Amelia stopped me and told me she wasnt going to be home and to meet her at Lexington Market. She gave me some change and said, "don't spend this, you need to put it on the bus". That was that, i was to get on the bus once school was over. I rarely caught the bus with an adult but i had orders that had to be followed.

I went to school and it was a regular September day. My teacher's name was Ms. Gross. She always talked about adopting me but she also explained to me the process and why she wouldnt do it. I guess i was one those kids, the one you can tell something is wrong with. Our conversations now that i can remember never touched one what was wrong with me, more of how my life would be so much better if i wasnt there. she bought me little things, gave me extra attention, but she didnt really help either. She was the one who walked me to the #5 bus stop.

I get on the bus all by myself and take the change out to place in the box but the bus driver stops me. He says, "how old are you? I simply replied, "i turned 7 today. He told me to keep my money. I sat in the seat directly across from him because i could see clearly out the front window. All i had to do was look for the sign that said Lexington Market.

I had no real problem the whole ride everything changed once i got off the bus. My mother wasn't where she said she would be. I didnt know what do. I stood there for what felt like forever, waiting. Then i walked down the street towards the subway hoping to see her. No luck. I crossed the street and went into the market and i was crowded as hell. I was all around looking and looking but i never did find my mom that day. I used the change to get back home and still got my asses whipped. she told me i never went down there.

The whore that i was...

2009-07-23T02:15:00.001-04:00

...is not the woman I am. She helped me get here. The persona that had not fear. Im only human, my weakness may have been men.

whore

–noun

1.	a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse, usually for money; prostitute; harlot; strumpet.

Just a thought.

That nigga has been calling me a whore lately. Getting loose with his tongue; as the old folks say. Everytime i hear it, it feels like an open-handed slap. It felt almost like i was being chastised. There not too much you can say to me that will get under my skin, but that word does. I dont even know why. I'm not ashamed or regretful of my past actions because nobody walked my path but I. To have that termed hurled at me by the FIRST person I chose hurt. The references are even always direct, but definitely there.

I wonder does it sting so bad because its the truth? I mean, i was a whore in every sense of the word. There no denying that. In retrospect, there is no real justification for it either. A few reason and a plethora of excuses. I made a lot of money, seen a lot of places and did things people will never do in their lifetime. I dont feel bad, but when he said it-- i felt "dirty". Once i realized that his intent in making these references was to hurt me, i got over it.

I digress

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a woman, I put childish ways behind me"

Im a woman now. As a child, i ran wild/ no direction or regard/ i dont know about ya'll/but my life was hard/ legal without limits/ man i had a blast/but i'm a woman now/ and i cant move that fast

a thought that brought back a memory....

2009-07-14T11:24:00.001-04:00

   This past weekend I had my son, my niece and a young lady (8) that i knew from the shelter. Her mother got her section 8 voucher and they have a house around the corner from my apartment. This little girl is the oldest of 4 or 5 (depending on who you know) children. Her mother and i attended middle/high school together, she is only 24!
     I invited the child over just so she could get a break. When i was sitting in the living room of their house Saturday observing their living conditions and treatment, i already knew. With lil mama being the oldest, i knew she caught it the most and never got rewarded . I was her at one point. The entire time she was at my house she tried to enjoy herself as much as possible but i could see she was uncomfortable. Not used to being able to just play. My niece is 6 and she is a child, one who enjoys life, my son too. This young lady takes care of her brother and youngest sister. She has to be constantly AWARE because her mother brings strange men around her and pays no attention. The way that i identified with her bought back so many memories for me.

   The remainder of the weekend was me comtemplating calling CPS. A lot of people think that they should mind their own business but a child is everyone's business. Man, i'm thankful for every teacher that cared, every doctor that listened, and especially every foster parent that opened their door and extended their home. Without people like them, I dont believe i would be here. Seeing this young lady and the predicament she's in, i don't think i can just walk away. She's been in foster care before and understands. I hate to see a scared child and i wonder how many people have been ignoring her?

        I took her to my mother house Sunday, i actually witness this childs culture shock. My niece has everything. When she first went in her room her face dropped. She had never seen so much for one child. One i told her that Lolita was not my biological mother but that she was once my foster parent, her eyes lit up. I swear i saw hope.

   The system is where everything fucks up. I was removed from my mother's care at totel of 6 times before the permanently took us. Seriously, it took them 5 times and stabbing my stepfather to get them to remove me. Some people just shouldn't be parents. Plain and simple, the process is insane. I can remember going to my first foster home when i was 5. That bitch was crazy. Going back home 30 days later. Us moving and going to another placement maybe 3 months after. Oh, can't ever forget my mother abandoning us in Unversity Hospital on my youngest brother' birthday. She took us to the pediatric psychiatric ward, said she was going to smoke a cigarette and never came back. My older brother went off...they took him to Walter P. Cater, and we went to a group home of sorts to wait for a placement. My litter brother had just turned two. I ended up in Westminster.

    3 months later, i was back in Baltimore and my mother was MARRIED! She actually went the extra mile to show she was "stable" enough to have her children. When i went back to foster permanently, shit got too real. I had to go to therapy all the time and the started diagnosing me with this disorder and that disorder. Had me really thinking something was wrong with me for defending myself. Im 24 now and if i could go back, i would get it right. As a foster child you have a file that follows you. Every foster parent updates it as well as the doctors and the teachers. when you are leaving one placement going to the next reads up on you. Needless to say at 8, with what i had just done, i couldn't get a placement. I went to my first institution.

      Group homes are something serious. In retrosepect i believe that i was introduced to the prospect of institutionalization. Everything was scheduled-- mealtimes, shower times, phone times. When had an incentive thing and a "timeout" room. We were grouped according to age and sex. I learned a lot quick. It was an orphanage, and we interview for placements. We could reject parents, just like they could reject us. Go on weeknd vistitation to at family until you were ready for permanent placement. I rejected several families not knowing why.

      I drifted a little off topic. This young girl may actually benefit from being elsewhere. I did. I know a few people who have. Whenever i say i was a foster child most of my life people apologize. Really--the intially response is usually, "i'm so sorry to hear that", and i wonder what they are sorry for. Hell growing up was hard for me but foster care saved me life. I wonder how many times will she have to be removed and returned before something really terrible happens that makes them acknowledge a problem. Is there anything that i can do personally that will help her situation? If i had the means to care for her i would but she has one of those mothers that would fight for her although she doesn't want her. She gets that welfare check every montha and they would probably revoke her voucher if her children were removed.

R.I.P MR. TEDDY

2009-06-04T16:50:00.001-04:00

UNTITLED

2009-05-05T13:45:00.001-04:00

EVERYDAY IVE BEEN ON EARTH
IVE EXPERIENCED HURT
AT FIRST
I JUST COULDNT DEAL
FELT LIKE
THIS CANT BE REAL
ITS NOT POSSIBLE
WHAT DO I DO?

THE NEXT DAY WORST
THAN THE ONE BEFORE
SO I INTERNALIZED THE PAIN
BECAUSE I COULD NO LONGER IGNORE
I KNOW I CANT GO ON FOREVER
AT SOME POINT IT MUST GET BETTER
IF IT IS NOT FOR SOMETHING
THEN ITS ALL FOR NOTHING
AND THAT CANT BE

IF LIFE IS PREDETERMINED,
PREDESTINED OR UNCHANGEABLE
WHAT AM I TO DO?
DOES IT REALLY MATTER
WHAT PATH I TAKE?
OR DECISIONS I MAKE
WILL I DIE IN THE SAME PAIN
THAT I WAS BORN IN TO?

NO
SO IT CANT BE THAT SIMPLE
HERE THE FORK IN THE ROAD
WHICH WAY WILL I GO

RANDOM THOUGHTS

2009-05-05T12:34:00.001-04:00

1. I MOVED INTO A NEW APARTMENT THIS WEEKEND. OH, ITS SOO BEAUTIFUL. EVERYTHING ABOUT IT IS JUST PLAIN BEAUTIFUL!!!

2. WALLY DIDNT COME WITH. OH, WELL SINCE HE NEEDED HIS SPACE SOO BAD......I'VE DECIDE THAT I NEED MINES AS WELL (PERMANENTLY). i HAVEN'T GOTTEN AROUND TO TELLING HIM YET. I DO HAVE CONFLICTING EMOTIONS BUT THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS SIMPLE, I DONT TRUST HIM. TRUST IS THE CORNERSTONE OF ANY HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP. HE ALWAYS CLAIMS HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME (I DO BELIEVE HE DOES) BUT HE DOES SOME OF THE MOST DECEPTIVE THINGS EVER. I KNOW I SHOULDN'T BE READING HIS TEXT MESSAGES BUT ON THE SAME ACCORD HE SHOULDN'T BE TELLING SOME RANDOM FEMALE WHAT HE WILL LICK/EAT (I KISS HIM IN HIS MOUTH..EWW). THEN HE GOES EVEN FURTHER BY TRYING TO MAKE IT SEEM AS THOUGH I SHOULD NOT FEEL A CERTAIN WAY WHEN I KNOW IF I WAS IN HIS POSITON AND I GOT CAUGHT TELLING SOME RANDOM GUY I DONT HAVE ANY TONSILS..IT WOULD BE A MAJOR ISSUE. MY LOVE FOR HIM HAS NOT WAVERED AT ALL, I JUST KNOW IM NOT IN LOVE WITH HIM ANY MORE. I SAY ALL THAT JUST TO SAY THAT MY RIDE ON THIS EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER IS OVER!

3. OMG....DUKES IS HOME. IM SOO EXCITED. 5 YEARS, 9 MONTHS, HE WAS CAGED AND NOW HE'S NOT. I SOO HAPPY FOR HIM. I DO NOT BELIEVE THAT THERE IS NO FUTURE FOR US, AS FAR AS RELATIONSHIPS GO. I PRAY EVERYTHING GOES WELL FOR HIM IN LIFE..

I voted for Dick Rash in the World's Most Unfortunate Name poll!

2009-04-20T13:23:00.001-04:00

I voted for Dick Rash in the World's Most Unfortunate Name poll!

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Top facts about the name Sharita Hays

2009-04-20T13:05:00.001-04:00

Did you know that Sharita Hays is...

Averagely envoweled
Atirahs Syah backwards
Aritashay Ayshay in Pig Latin
01010011 01101000 01100001 01110010 01101001 01110100 01100001 00100000 01001000 01100001 01111001 01110011 in binary code?

See more at www.IsThisYour.Name

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WHY AM I ...

2009-03-31T16:17:00.001-04:00

WASTING TIME?

...A FEW DAYS AGO I WAS TALKING TO MY HOMEBOY ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS. WHILE WE WERE TALKING ABOUT HIS DISMAL SITUATION WITH HIS EX, I CAME TO THE REALIZATION THAT I AM JUST WASTING TIME. SURE, I WOULD LOVE TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH WALLY, HAVE ALL HIS BABIES AND THINGS OF THAT NATURE BUT IN REALITY THAT WONT HAPPEN. WHAT WILL EVENTUALLY HAPPEN IS HE WILL GET TIRED OF ME AND MOVE ON AND I WILL BE LEFT DEVASTATED. IF HE DOESN'T LEAVE ME FOR DEMETRIA (HIS EX) THEN IT WILL BE FOR SOME OTHER FEMALE WHO DOESN'T LOVE HIM HALF AS MUCH AS I DO.

WHY DO I FEEL LIKE IM WASTING MY TIME?

SOMETIMES I FORGET THAT HE ISN'T "MINES". I FORGET THAT THIS IS A PLAY RELATIONSHIP KINDA LIKE THE ONES YOU USED TO HAVE WHEN YOU WERE A KID. WELL, AT LEAST TO HIM. WHEN I HAVE THESE FITS OF FORGETFULNESS, I'M HAPPY. IT FEELS LIKE NOTHING IN MY WORLD COULD GO WRONG BECAUSE HE IS BY MY SIDE. KHALIL SEEMS TO BE ADJUSTING TO HIM LIVING WITH US QUITE NICELY. SOMETIMES WHEN WALLY'S NOT AROUND, HE EVEN TELLS ME HE LIKES HIM. I START TO SMILE MORE, THAT PANICKY FEELING I NORMALLY HAVE ISN'T THERE.
THE WORSE THING ABOUT THESE FORGETFUL MOMENTS IS THAT I START TO OPEN UP. I BEGIN TO LET MY GUARDS DOWN, TALK ABOUT THINGS I DON'T NORMALLY DISCUSS. I EVEN START TO BELIEVE THERE MAY BE A FUTURE YET. NOTHING FEELS BETTER THAN WHEN I AM IN HIS ARMS--EXCEPT MAYBE THE SEX.

THEN WALLY REMINDS ME THAT I DON'T FIT THE PROFILE. HE SAYS THINGS THAT REVERBERATE IN MY HEAD CONSTANTLY LIKE, "THIS ISNT GOING TO END WELL" OR "WHEN THIS IS OVER, I WILL STILL BE YOUR FRIEND........WHEN THIS IS OVER, I DON'T THINK I WILL EVER WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN. HOW CAN YOU BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE AND STILL FOR SEE AN END?

2009-03-16T12:20:00.001-04:00

Jay-Z's Secrets for Personal Success at Best Life Online.com

"MOVING IN IS.....

2009-03-13T16:32:00.001-04:00

"ONLY TEMPORARY"

THAT WHAT HE SAID LAST NIGHT WHEN DISCUSSING THESE NEW LIVING ARRANGEMENTS. I MOROSELY REPLIED, "I KNOW".

SINCE I MOVED INTO MY HOUSE IN NOVEMBER, ALL I WANTED IS FOR WALLY TO COME WITH. HE HAS HAD A KEY AS LONG AS I HAVE. AT FIRST THE MAIN ISSUE WAS THAT I HAD MY BROTHER-IN-LAW STAYING WITH ME AND I KNEW HOW UNCOMFORTABLE THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN. TWO GROWN ASS MEN IN MY LITTLE ASS HUT. ONCE I GOT CONFIRMATION MIKE WAS LEAVING I SIMPLY THREW THE IDEA OUT THERE...."MIKE'S MOVING OUT, WANNA COME LIVE WITH ME?" <via text message>. HE SAID HE NEEDED TIME. I TOLD HIM TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS HE NEEDED BECAUSE IT WAS A HUGE DECISION.....

THAT WAS 3 MONTHS AGO

back in those days------an unfinished

2009-03-13T12:16:00.001-04:00

i look at this picture

and i dont see me

i see the young girl

that i used to be

so wild and uninhibited

the things people read about

i was out there living it

doing thing that i knew

were wrong

when people asked why?

i would just sing the same song

"nobody takes care of me

except me...

i apologize if

im not what you expect

me to be"

traveling from here to there

no real cares

only concerned about

'getting money"

the real perils

of the world

unseen to my eyes

shades on like i'm blind

believing my own lies

Sin,

yeah that was her name

her and i

we are not the same

she is not who

i aspired to be

just one of the mirages

set forth by me

i dont know why

i had to try

to hide

behind such a shallow image

when i knew

the depth of my existence

could never be hidden

RANDOM THOUGHTS

2009-02-11T16:02:00.001-05:00

OMG. I AM SOO GLAD I AM NOT PREGGERS. FOR LIKE THE PAST FEW MONTHS, WE HAVE BEEN PLAYING WITH FIRE AND DAMN NEAR GOT BURNED. A PART OF ME ( I WOULD SAY 45 PERCENT) WANTS ANOTHER BABY, BUT MY LOGIC OVERRULES ANY EMOTION ON THIS SUBJECT. ITS A DAMN RECESSION WHY THE HELL WOULD I GO AND CREATE ANOTHER NEVERENDING BILL? AS MUCH AS I AM IN LOVE WITH WALLY, I CAN NOT BECOME SOMEONE ELSE'S "BABYMOTHER". THAT LABEL IS SOO UNATTRACTIVE. I PROMISED MYSELF WHILE I WAS ALONE IN THE DELIVERY ROOM GIVING BIRTH TO MY SON THAT I WOULD NEVER HAVE ANOTHER CHILD OUT OF WEDLOCK. I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE HOW I FELT BRINGING MY SON INTO THE WORLD WITHOUT THE SUPPORT OF THE OTHER PERSON WHO HELPED CREATE HIM. IM NOT SAYING WALLY WOULD BE THAT TYPE, BUT IM NOT CHANCING ANYTHING. I KNOW THAT THE ;ACK OF MARRIAGE DOESNT PREVENT PREGNANCY, BUT I PROMISE TO PUT FORTH A BETTER EFFORT.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AFFECTS US ALL. IM QUITE SURE EVERYONE HAS BEEN FOLLOWING THIS CHRIANNA SITUATION. PEOPLE ARE SOO QUICK TO PASS JUDGMENT, ESPECIALLY WITHOUT ANY DIRECT STATEMENT FROM EITHER PARTY. ALTHOUGH I DO NOT AGREE WITH A MAN HITTING ON A WOMEN.....SOMETIMES SELF DEFENSE IS NECESSARY.
WE AS WOMEN HAVE BEEN GOADED TO BELIEVE THAT NO MATTER HOW HARSHLY WE VERBALLY, EMOTIONALLY AND/OR PHYSICALLY ABUSE OUR MALE COUNTERPARTS THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO RECIPROCATE. THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE. IT IS ALSO UNACCEPTABLE THAT OUR BLACK MEN ARE CONSTANTLY DEPICTED AS VIOLENCE, UNCONTROLLABLE ANIMALISTIC CREATURES. THEY ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. ALL I ASK IS THAT WE NOT PAST JUDGMENT ON THIS YOUNG MAN UNTIL WE FIND OUT WHETHER HE WAS EVEN THE AGRESSER IN THE SITUATION.
I LOVE MY JOB!...I REALLY, REALLY REAL LOVE MY JOB. I JUST HAD TO ANNOUCE THAT

2009-02-11T14:52:00.000-05:00

LOVE SICK

2009-01-28T16:14:00.001-05:00

I HAVE NO EXCUSES FOR THE THINGS THAT I HAVE DONE. TRUTHFULLY, I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY, I DO THEM. APOLOGIES DO NOT COUNT ANYMORE BECAUSE I'VE OVERUSED THEM APPARENTLY.

EVERYONE WHO READS THESE BLOGS KNOWS THAT I AM INSANELY IN LOVE WITH WALLY. I MEAN, NOT LIKE "MISERY" INSANE, BUT YOU KNOW. FOR THE PAST FEW WEEKS I HAVE BEEN BEING A MAJOR BITCH. FOR NO REASON. HE HAS GIVEN ME ABSOLUTELY NO REASON TO TREAT HIM THE WAY I HAVE. I DONT KNOW HOW ELSE TO PROPERLY EXPRESS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL UNLESS ITS THROUGH WRITING SO, HERE IT GOES:

FOR 3 DAYS IVE BEEN CRYING CONSTANTLY, UNABLE TO EAT AND BARELY SLEEPING. SOMETIMES AFTER I STOP CRYING, I WILL THINK ABOUT SOMETHING HE HAS SAID TO ME AND THE TEARS JUST START ROLLING AGAIN. WHILE IM AT WORK I WILL START CRYING AT MY DESK AND HAVE TO EXCUSE MYSELF TO THE RESTROOM SO MY CO-WORKERS DONT SEE ME.

HE DOESNT CARE.

THE THOUGHT THAT HE DOESNT LOVE ME ANYMORE IS WHAT MAKES ME SAD. THE THOUGHT THAT SOMEONE ELSE IS OCCUPYING MY TIME, PISSES ME OFF. NOT HEARING FROM HIM EVERYDAY, CONCERNS ME. THE THOUGHT THAT HE MAY NEVER COME BAD, DEPRESSES ME. ALL THESE THOUGHTS CONSTANTLY RACE THROUGH HEAD, SENDING ME INTO MINI EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWNS. WHEN I EAT, I THROW IT BACK UP. SEE IS NON EXISTANT AT THIS POINT. MY EYES ARE BLOODSHOT RED AND MY VOICE IS HOARSE.

HE DOESNT KNOW

WAS WHAT I DID REALLY WRONG ENOUGH FOR YOU TO THROW IN THE TOWEL, OR IS THIS YOU USING YOUR ESCAPE CLAUSE? I THINK THAT ALTHOUGH YOU ARE STILL GIVING "HER" MY ATTENTION AND I DONT COMPLAIN, YOU SHOULDN'T COMPLAIN EITHER. WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT IF I DIDN'T WANT YOU, YOU WOULDNT BE IN MY LIFE. FLAT OUT. USUALLY BY NOW I WOULD PROBABLY BE 2 NIGGAZ REMOVED BUT I OWE YOU MORE OR RATHER I BELIEVE YOU OWE ME ANOTHER CHANCE.

HE DOESNT LISTEN

I HAVE ALLOWED YOU TO CHIP AWAY AT MY HEART FOR MONTHS NOW, WITHOUT COMPLAINT. EVERY TIME YOU SAID, "I FUCKED UP"; I SAID, "IT'S OKAY, I'LL GET OVER IT". THEN I GOT OVER IT. YOU KNOW THE SAYING, FORGIVE AND FORGET? ITS EASIER TO FORGIVE THEN IT EVER IS TO FORGET. HOW COME I CAN FORGIVE AND SAY FUCK IT BUT YOU ARE APPLYING YOUR IFINITE PETTINESS WHERE IT SHOULDN'T BE?

DEATH BY LOVE--PART ONE

2009-01-12T12:39:00.001-05:00

AT SOME POINT WE ALL DIE.
A GUARANTEE TO ALL.
SOME PEOPLE OBSESS OVER LIVING FOREVER. WHY? I DON'T KNOW BECAUSE LIVING SUCKS MOST OF THE TIME. I HONESTLY CANT WAIT TO DIE. I WANT TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. THAT IS NOT TO SAY THAT IM RUSHING DEATH...IT WILL HAPPEN WHEN IT HAPPENS. NOW MY PROSE:

WHEN YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME

I GUESS I WAS TOO BLIND
TO SEE
HOW SERIOUS YOU WERE
OR MAYBE I JUST DIDN'T CARE
IM THE COLDHEARTED TYPE
YOUR FRIENDS SHOULD HAVE
WARNED U.
SOMETHING ABOUT ME
JUST AIN'T RIGHT

NOW YOU'RE PURSUING ME
BUT I DON'T WANT YOU
PLAYA FOR LIFE
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
LEAVE THE GAME ALONE?
TURN OFF MY PHONE
AND RETIRE JERSEY?
WHATEVER!
FOR YOU TO SAY YOU LOVE ME
YOU DAMN SURE DON'T KNOW ME

YES, I DID SAY I LOVED YOU
TRUE
I'M JUST NOT "IN" LOVE WITH YOU
THERE'S A DISTINCTIVE DIFFERENCE

NOW CAN YOU LEAVE ME ALONE
AND STOP CALLING MY PHONE?
AND STANDING OUTSIDE MY HOUSE
EVERY TIME I ARRIVE HOME
YOU GOING TO KILL ME!
OH, WE'LL SEE
THATS WHY I CA---

TO BE CONTINUED

GUILT

2009-01-08T14:34:00.001-05:00

Let me tell you something about guilt...

GUILT IS A MUTHAFUCKER.

AS MUCH AS I GRIPE ABOUT HIM FUCKING OTHER PEOPLE I SWEAR ME SEXING MY NEIGHBOR WAS IN NO WAY RECIPROCATION FOR HIS PAST FAULTS. I KNOW HE IS WHO I WANT IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE BUT LATELY I HAVE BEEN FEELING DETACHED.

THE LACK OF ATTENTION, THE COLD MANNER OF CONVERSATION AND MAINLY LESS SEX IS WHY I DID IT. I SPEND SO MUCH TIME WITH MIKE THAT I GUESS IT WAS INEVITABLE. WE ARE TOGETHER EVERYDAY (THAT WALLY IS ABSENT)AND I ENJOY HIS COMPANY. I MADE AN ATTEMPT WEEKS AGO, TO NO AVAIL. I STILL BELIEVE THAT ANY GUY I WANT THAT DOESNT WANT ME MUST BE GAY. I HAD STARTED TO BELIEVE THAT MAYBE HE WAS A HOMO, UNTIL HE ACCEPTED MY ADVANCES. I WAS ONLY FLIRTING TO MAKE SURE HE WASNT GAY.

THE SEX WAS MEDIOCRE AND THE WHOLE TIME ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS HOW TRIFLING THIS WHOLE SITUATION IS. SEXING MY NEIGHBOR AND ALL. TRUTH BE TOLD WE SLEEP TOGETHER LIKE 3-4 DAYS A WEEK. WHEN I SAY WE SLEEP TOGETHER, THAT ALL WE DO IS SLEEP. HIS DICK IS HUGE THOUGH...SOMETHING LIKE 10 AND A HALF. I DIDNT GIVE HIM ORAL SO...

BACK TO THE GUILT. AFTER I DID IT, I DIDNT FEEL SO BAD. THEN WALLY CALLED AND I WANTED TO TELL HIM BUT I COULDNT GET THE WORDS OUT OF MY MOUTH. FRIDAY...I TOLD WALLY I DIDNT WANT TO SEE HIM FOR A WEEK, SO I COULD DETOX. WE HAD A CONVERSATION ABOUT GUILT AND HOW HE DOESNT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THE THINGS HE DOES/SAYS, SO I THOUGHT WHY SHOULD I? AS THE WEEKEND DRUDGED ON, MY GUILTY FEELINGS PROGRESSED TO THE POINT THAT I FELT WORSE EVERY TIME I TALKED TO WALLY.

FINALLY I TOLD HIM. I WAITED UNTIL I SUCKED THE HELL OUT OF HIS DICK AND FUCKED HIM CRAZY TO TELL HIM, "I FUCKED HIM", HE SAYS, "WHO"?...SO I TELL HIM, " MY NEIGHBOR"........NOW THE GUILT IS GONE

IM NOT...

2008-12-23T16:00:00.001-05:00

...PERFECT. I DONT EVEN ATTEMPT TO BE. IM EXTRAORDINARY TRUE, BUT I WOULD NEVER PROFESS TO BE PERFECT!
...HUMBLE. ALTHOUGH I HAVE HAD TO EAT A SLICE OF HUMBLE PIE ON OCCASION. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH CONFIDENCE.
...A ROLE MODEL. OH HEAVENS NO. I HAVE DONE ENOUGH RETARDED SHIT OVER THE PAST 24 YEARS THAT IF I WALK A STRAIGHT AND NARROW FOR THE NEXT 24....I WILL STILL HAVE SOME MAKING UP TO DO.
...PSYCHIC. OMNIPOTENT. IF I HAD MIND READING CAPABILITIES, I WOULD BE MISUSING THEM...RIGHT NOW!
...A CROWD PLEASER. FUCK WHAT EVERYONE ELSE THINKS. IM IN THE BUSINESS OF DOING ME, NOTHING ELSE REALLY MATTERS.
...ORGANIZED. I HAVE TOO MUCH GOING ON MOST OF THE TIME TO PUT EVERY LITTLE THING BACK. AS LONG AS I CAN FIND IT WHEN I NEED IT, THAT'S MY MOTTO.
CHASTE.THERE NOT MUCH MORE I CAN SAY ON THIS TOPIC EXCEPT, PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT BUT PERFECT IS UNOBTAINABLE, SKILLED IS A GREAT WORD.

I LOSE----AGAIN

2008-12-16T10:46:00.000-05:00

I DON'T WANT MUCH.I SWEAR I DON'T. FOR THE PAST 7 MONTHS ALL I HAVE WANTED IS WALLY. MAYBE LONGER, LETS TRY 7 YEARS.

FLASHBACK---7 YEARS AGO

ON MY FIRST DAY OF COLLEGE WHEN I ARRIVED ON CAMPUS MY MIND WASN'T FOCUSED ON ANYTHING EXCEPT GETTING THIS DAY OVER WITH. I WAS 17, UNDISCIPLINED, AND HAD JUST BEEN RELEASED FROM INCARCERATION. I WILL NEVER FORGET THE FIRST TIME I SAW HIM. HE WAS SO SEXY, WITH A SMILE THAT LIT UP THE ROOM. I MET CUSH, SNOOP AND LIKE A FEW FEMALES....WE WERE ALL POTHEADS AND SNOOP RAN THE GAME ROOM.I WANTED HIM.....HE DIDN'T WANT ME. I WASN'T EVEN FEMININE THEN. I CAN SAY HE WAS THE FIRST MALE ATTRACTION I HAD HAD IN A LONG TIME AND THAT REJECTION STUNG. 2 MONTHS LATER I WAS PREGNANT BY SOMEONE ELSE AND HE WAS JUST MY HOMEBOY.

LAST MONTH----

I'M SO IN LOVE. I LOVE HIM. HE SAYS HE LOVES ME. HE MAKES ME HAPPY, GENUINELY HAPPY. WHENEVER HE TOUCHES ME I GET GOOSEBUMPS. THAT HAS TO BE A GOOD SIGN,RIGHT? WHEN I LOOK AT HIM I SEE SO MUCH POTENTIAL.HE'S HANDSOME, INTELLIGENT, AND FUNNY. SOMETIMES I CAN SEE MY WHOLE FUTURE IN HIS EYES. MAYBE I'M JUST SEEING THINGS. OPENLY, WE BOTH KNOW THIS CAN'T END WELL, BUT WHO IS WORRIED WE'RE HAVING A BLAST. SILENTLY,I DON'T EVER WANT HIM TO GO. I WANT HIM TO COME LIVE WITH ME AND DO THINGS THAT COUPLES DO(WE ARE NOT A COUPLE). I GUESS I'M STILL SILENT BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

3 YEARS AGO----ANOTHER MISSED MOMENT

YEAH, I WAS FEELING MYSELF BACK THEN. 2005, I WAS EXTRA SEXY BECAUSE I JUST REALIZED THAT I WAS SEXY AND SO DID EVERYBODY ELSE. NOBODY MADE ME FEEL SEXIER THAN KOOL-LAID, WALLY'S FRIEND. IT WAS OKAY THAT I HAD FUCKED OFF WITH SOME OF HIS FRIEND BECAUSE KOOL ACCEPTED ME.I WAS GOING TO SCHOOL DURING THE DAY AND MAKING LIKE $500-$1000 A NIGHT DOING ME, PAYING FOR SCHOOL. TRAVELING ON THE WEEKEND, ENJOYING LIFE.
I SAW HIM (WALLY) A FEW TIMES AND HE OFFERED SOME SEX BUT I WAS SOO OVER HIM. HE WAS LOOKING GOOD BACK THEN. I WAS DOING TOO MUCH. PLUS HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND, I DIDN'T DO ATTACHED MEN
UNLESS THEY PAID IN ADVANCE. I THINK I ACCEPTED HIS OFFER ABOUT 3 OR 4 TIMES WITH THE SOLE INTENT ON BLUFFING HIM.

4 MONTHS AGO----ITS ALL MY FAULT

I CREATED THIS ISSUE ONLY BEING CONCERNED WITH MY OWN SELF INTEREST. I MEAN,WHY NOT START HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX, I'M ONLY HAVING SEX WITH HIM ANYWAY? NOBODY IN MY LIFE IS WORTHY OF IT, EXCEPT HIM. OH, THAT "PREGNANT" CHICK, I TOLD HER TO SCRAM, AND SHE DID.MY SELFISH ASS COULDN'T ADMIT THAT WALLY HASN'T EVEN STARTED TO GROW AND I HAVE BEEN FORCED TO BE A GROWN ASS WOMAN BECAUSE I NO LONGER ENJOYED BEING CHILDISH. PLUS I WAS IN A SHELTER. I GUESS I WAS EMOTIONALLY VULNERABLE. ONCE THAT FIRST CONDOM BROKE,MY HEAD HASN'T BEEN RIGHT SINCE. I SAT AROUND FOR A WHOLE WEEK TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW I COULD GET HIM TO AGREE TO MY TERMS, HE SAID OKAY W/O DISPUTE. THAT'S WHERE ALL THIS EMOTIONAL BS STARTED TO.

ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF AGO----THE BEGINNING

I'M FINALLY GOING TO DO IT. I'M GOING TO FUCK WALLY. WHY AM I NERVOUS? I KNOW IVE GOT A TOP-NOTCH PERFORMANCE, I SURE HOPE HE DOES. THE FIRST TIME WE ATTEMPTED TO DO IT, THE ATMOSPHERE WASN'T RIGHT, SO I TOLD HIM I WOULD COME TO HIS HOUSE MONDAY MORNING SO WE COULD WORK IT OUT.THE SEX WAS GOOD....IT WASN'T THE TYPE OF SEX THAT WOULD MAKE ME PUT HIM IN ROTATION BUT IT WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME TO PUT SOME EFFORT IN THE BJS....AS TIME PROGRESSED, SO DID OUR SEX. DOING IT IN CRAZY PLACES....LIKE THE TIME WE GOT CAUGHT FUCKING ON CITY'S GROUNDS, THAT WAS EXCITING.LETS NOT FORGET THE VIDEO CAMERA. I WAS SCARRED BY SOMEONE WITH A CAMERA WHEN I WAS 15, SO I AVOIDED THOSE. UNTIL, HE PULLED HIS OUT. WE HAD A BLAST MAKING RECORDING OF THE FREAKY SHIT SHARITA LIKES AND WALLY ENJOYS.

NOW---------

I'M ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER, AND LOVING HIM WAS NEVER HEALTHY. I'M SO DEEP IN LOVE THAT THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO DENY IT, AND I HAVE AN EXAMPLE. LAST NIGHT..12-15-08...I COULDN'T SLEEP. I WAS UP UNTIL LIKE 4 THIS MORNING WITH THINK NAGGING PAIN IN MY STOMACH. YOU KNOW THE TYPE OF PAIN THAT DOESN'T REALLY HURT BUT I BOTHERS THE FUCK OUT OF U? YEAH. I SMOKED A BLUNT LIKE 2 AM THINKING THAT WOULD PUT ME TO SLEEP TO NO AVAIL.
I DOZED OF AT LIKE 4 AM AND OVER SLEPT FOR WORK. GOT OFF RUSH TO WORK. I ARRIVED AT LIKE 9 AM AND FIRST THING I DID WAS CALL HIM. NO ANSWER....OH, MAYBE HE IS STILL ASLEEP. I TRY AGAIN AROUND 10. NO ANSWER. HE CALLS ME BACK ABOUT 20 MINUTES LATER. I OPEN THE CONVERSATION UP WITH THE USUAL, "YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU RIGHT". HE SAID I MADE HIM FEEL BAD. HE FELT BAD BECAUSE HE SPENT THE NIGHT SEXING HIS EX(WHO HAS ALREADY BROKEN HIS HEART ONCE)AND HE WONT BE ABLE TO SEE ME THIS WEEK. IN FACT HE CONTEMPLATING MARRIAGE--TO HER. WOW.

I TITLED THIS PIECE I LOSE AGAIN BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I FEEL----LIKE A BIG ASS LOSER. LIKE IVE BEEN RUNNING A MARATHON ONLY TO PLACE SECOND BY .12 MILLISECONDS. ALTHOUGH I'VE NEVER HAD A SHORTAGE OF MEN AND I WILL PROBABLY GET OVER THIS, IT STILL HURTS. IT HURTS BECAUSE HE'S PURSUING SOMEONE WHO HAS ALREADY HURT HIM ONCE AND ALL I WANT IS FOR HIM TO BE HAPPY AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I DON'T MAKE HIM HAPPY.

I CAN FEEL MY HEART BREAKING AND I PROBABLY BOUGHT THIS ON MYSELF

TOO EMOTIONAL

2008-12-02T09:08:00.000-05:00

never in my life have i had to beg for attention
not to mention
i am me
who does he
think he is
so what he not my man,
boy friend
and i don't have his kid
in a situation
filled with lust
outside of sex
i don't ask for much
honest, trust
and a gentle touch.....

oh lets not forget
some quality time
set aside
to make me feel like your mines
i thought we had and understanding
I'm not asking
dammit I'm demanding

CRYING, CRYING

I'M TRYING

TO AVOID SCREAMING
TEARS STREAMING
DOWN MY FACE
MY FEELINGS SO HURT
I JUST WANT TO REPLACE
YOU
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

BECAUSE I NEED YOU NEAR

I TRY TO TELL THE TRUTH

BUT YOU DON’T CARE
I KNOW I SHOULDN'T
FEEL THIS WAY
BUT I DIDN'T WANT MUCH
JUST FOR YOU TO STAY

SHE A FREAK THOUGH

2008-11-26T13:07:00.001-05:00

Freak Though (Featuring Pharrell) (Explicit Album Version) - T.I.

I KNOW U GUYS ARE WONDERING WHY I POSTED THIS SONG.......

OVER THE YEARS I HAVE DEVELOPED QUITE A REPUTATION FOR MYSELF AND NOT THE BEST ONE. I WAS ONCE AN EXTREMLY PROMISCUIOUS FEMALE. THAT MIGHT BE AN UNDERSTATEMENT. I HAD A LOT OF SEX WITH A LOT OF PARTNERS. TRUTHFULLY, I DIDNT SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT THEN, I DONT SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH IT NOW. UNLESS IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP, YOU SHOULD DO WHATEVER YOU WANT WITH YOUR BODY. I'M JUST TIRED AND IVE CAME TO THE REALIZATION THAT NO MATTER HOW MANY PEOPLE I FUCK, MALE OR FEMALE, UNLESS IM SATISFIED WITH MYSELF...THE SEX WILL NEVER SATISFY ME.

I LEARNED MY LESSON ABOUT UNPROTECTED SEX WHEN I GOT PREGNANT WITH MY SON. DONT FUCK SOMEONE RAW THAT YOU ARENT WILL TO GIVE A BABY TO (OR AT LEAST BE ABLE TO AFFORD AN ABORTION). STD'S AINT COOL

ANYWAY, THE FIRST TIME I EVER HEARD THIS SONG, A MALE FRIEND OF MINES CALLED ME AND TOLD ME HE WANTED ME TO HEAR THE SONG AND ALL I HEARD WAS "FREAK THOUGH" GOT OFFEND AND HUNG UP. HE CALLED BACK AND I LISTEN TO THE SONG. HE EXPLAINED TO ME THAT THATS HOW MOST OF THE GUYS I DEAL WITH PROBABLY FEEL. HE SAID, "YO, I WOULD LOVE TO WIFE YOU BUT YOU'RE A FREAK THOUGH". I TOLD HIM I WAS WIFEY MATERIAL ANYWAY, JUST A CHICK WITH GOOD SEX.

A COUPLE OF YEARS LATER, I WANT SOME TO WIFE ME BUT ALL THEY THINK WHEN THEY SEE ME IS.......SHE'S A FREAK THOUGH

FATHER

2008-11-24T09:25:00.000-05:00

LAST WEEK I DECIDED THAT I WANTED TO KNOW WHO MY FATHER WAS. LOOKING FOR MY ROOTS I GUESS. I GOOGLED THE NAME ON MY BIRTH CERTIFICATE, WILLIAM STEPHEN HAYS JR, GOT AN ADDRESS AND TELEPHONE NUMBER.

FOR DAYS I DEBATED WITH MYSELF AS TO WHETHER OR NOT THIS WAS A NECESSARY STEP IN MY LIFE. 24 YEARS I HAVE EXISTED WITHOUT A FATHER, WHY DO I NEED ONE NOW? TRUTHFULLY I BELIEVE THAT THE LACK OF A FATHER IN MY LIFE HAS LED TO ME TO A LIFETIME OF LOOKING FOR LOVE FROM MALES. AS I GROW OLDER I HAVE NOTICED A YEARNING THAT I PUT OFF YEARS AGO. I SPENT SOO MANY YEARS ANGRY AT MY MOTHER THAT I FORGOT THAT MY FATHER PLAYED A ROLE IN MY CREATION AS WELL.

ANYHOW, I WANTED TO JUST TALK TO MY FATHER, LET HIM KNOW THAT I AM ALIVE. WHEN I DID MUSTER UP ENOUGH COURAGE TO CALL HIM,I REACHED HIS SISTER FRANCIS. FRANCIS TOLD ME SHE HAS BEEN WAITING FOR MY CALL FOR YEARS...AT LEAST SINCE I WAS 18. SHE TOLD ME THAT MY POPS HAS BEEN DEAD SINCE I WAS 14. HE DIED OF A KIDNEY FAILURE. HE HAD A KIDNEY TRANSPLANT IN '89 AND HIS BODY STARTED REJECTING THE KIDNEY IN '94 HE DIED LIKE 2 YEARS AFTER THE FIRST REJECTION.

I FEEL SOO CHEATED.

HOMECOMING

2008-11-14T15:36:00.000-05:00

2008-11-10T12:09:00.000-05:00

He broke the contract!!!!

How can i explain that my feelings are so hurt right now not because he went and had relations with someone else but because he lied about it. He makes me feel so good and I'm not just talking about sexually. When i see his name on my caller id, i smile a Lil bit or when i know I'm about to see him i get excited. Sometimes i wonder does he feel the same way about me.

Just Friday i tried to explain to him that i believe we need definition. What i mean by definition is a clear understanding of what we have or at least his point of view. Truth be told when i first approached him with this "agreement", it was pretty one sided, in his favor. I didn't expect to feel this way. Clearly, the line between friend and lover has been blurred substantially and I'm confused. I've came to realize that I'm not like these average females and (from what I've been told) i make it too easy. My confusion comes from the fact that i don't know whether or not i should still be taking applications for an impending relationship or should i just settle here. I wouldn't mind, don't get it wrong i will stay with Wally as long as he will have me but in hindsight....I CHOSE HIM. That has to count for something, right?

Anyway....he broke the contract but not for the reason that he thinks he did. There is nothing i dislike more than a liar. Him sexing that other chick......not a bother to me ( maybe a little). I know that i take care of mines so if he wants to go fuck off elsewhere its due to no fault of mines, he's just being male. For him to voluntarily offer a lie bothers me. I know he only did it to avoid hurting my feelings but it (the lie or the act) bothered him so much that he called me and confessed. I wonder how he would feel if i told him some shit like that during his dinnertime. I appreciate the honesty, it show his character.

im not the tit for tat type at all. Im not going go off fucking Tom, Dick and Harry simply because he did. That makes no sense to me. I talked to someone about it and she said that if its no sweat off my brow than just say fuck it......Fuck it!

i hope we can build something though......oh thats right, we already are

WOW...WHAT A FEELING

2008-11-05T14:09:00.000-05:00

FOR THE PAST WEEK OR SO I HAVE BEEN CONFLICTED AS TO WHETHER OR NOT I WOULD VOTE......

"IF I HAVE TO STAND IN LINE MORE THAN 20 MINUTES I'M NOT VOTING"
YES, I SAID THAT.

"ITS A BLACK MAN, I'VE GOTTA SHOW MY RACIAL PRIDE"
ANOTHER SHARITA QUOTABLE

ANYWAY, A FEW THINGS HELPED ME MAKE MY DECISION TO PLAY A PART IN THIS HISTORIC EVENT. IT WASN'T MY SON WAKING UP, RUSHING ME TO GO VOTE FOR THE BLACK MAN OR THE FACT THAT I AM LIVING IN A POLLING STATION. NOPE, NOT EVEN JAY-Z TELLING ME TO VOTE COULD GET ME TO STAND IN THAT LONG LINE (i stood on line 4 hr to get tickets to my first Jay concert @ 13).

MY FIRST EYEOPENER CAME AT 5AM. I WOKE UP AND DECIDED TO TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE EVERYONE ELSE GOT UP. I WENT TO THE WINDOW AND THERE WAS A LINE FORMING ALREADY....A WHOLE 2 HOURS BEFORE POLLS OPENED. GEE, THE PEOPLE REALLY WANT THEIR VOTES COUNTED. IM LOOKING AT THESE PEOPLE THINKING, "DAMN FOOLS, NOW I CAN'T SMOKE OUT OF THE WINDOW". I WENT OUTSIDE AND BEGAN TO TALK TO THE VOTERS. THERE WAS A 91 YEAR OLD LADY WAITING TO VOTER WHO STATED TO ME, " I DONT CARE IF I DIE AS SOON AS MY BALLOT IS CAST, I JUST NEVER THOUGHT IN MY LIFETIME I WOULD BE ABLE TO VOTE FOR A BLACK MAN". THAT MADE ME THINK ABOUT SOME THINGS.
i HAVE A CHANCE TO BE A PART OF HISTORY. THIS ELECTION IS LIKE THE MARCH ON WASHINGTON OF MY GENERATION. I BELIEVE THAT EVERY GENERATION IS GIVEN AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THE LIVES OF BLACK AMERICA AND IF I DIDNT VOTE THEN I DIDN'T CONTRIBUTE TO THAT OPPORTUNITY. MALCOLM X AND DR. KING BECAME MARTYRS IN HOPE OF THAT ONE DAY SOMEONE COULD FULFILL DESTINY. MAYBE, JUST MAYBE THAT SOMEONE IS BARACK OBAMA.
DAMN, IT STARTED FEELING LIKE THE DAY BEFORE CHRISTMAS AND I HAD GIFTS. I CALLED MY MAMA AND TOLD HER WE WERE VOTING TOGETHER(im a first time voter). AS MY DAY PROGRESSED I SAW MORE SIGNS THAT I NEEDED TO VOTE.
1. NO DRUG DEALERS- OMG. THEY WERE ALL STANDING IN LINE TO BARACK THE VOTE
2. NO DRUG ADDICTS- OMG. THIS IS BALTIMORE. ON MY BUS RIDE FROM DEEP WEST BALTIMORE CITY TO CEDONIA (my polling ctr) ALL THE JUNKIES I SAW STANDING ONLINE WERE IN VOTING LINES TO BARACK THE VOTE.
3. THE LINES- THOSE SAME LINES THAT I INTIALLY SAID WOULD DETER ME FROM VOTING WAS A MAJOR MOTIVATOR. THERE WERE SOO MANY BLACK PEOPLE. I DIDNT SEE NO ARGUING OR FIGHTING NOT EVEN ANY PUSHING, IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

Karma Sutra Sexual Positions

2008-11-03T15:07:00.000-05:00

Karma Sutra Sexual Positions: "http://www.spaceandmotion.com/karma-sutra-positions.htm"

just some thoughts

2008-10-30T12:10:00.000-04:00

Thought #1

I missed my "daddy" for like a whole month. I was worried sick. I had this dream about 2 weeks ago that pretty much foretold of the revelation i received yesterday. How does he believe that i am suppose to stop everything going on in my life to fix his fuck up.. he's getting high. Real high. Pookie from New Jack City high. He left his wife last month, i was the first one to tell him to go home. That fall from success is extremely fast.....

I dont want him to think that i have turned my back on him but i cant deal. The only thing that I have to offer is moral support and since i don't have many morals..i dont have much support. He seems to believe that i am obligated to do whatever the fuck he TELLS ME TO BECAUSE I LOVE HIM. THATS NOT FAIR. I may be a female and emotional but i am a logical thinker. He thinks i should stop dealing with Wally because its "interfering with our relationship"....WHAT THE FUCK DOES ONE THING HAVE TO DO WITH ANOTHER? I told him no. As i tried to explain to him, i am happy. Happier than i have been in a long time during a holiday season. He can't do that so why should i compromise my happINESS FOR HIS SELFSHNESS?

POLITICAL...ANALYSIS......MY WAY

2008-10-16T12:00:00.000-04:00

YEAH, OBAMA'S GOING TO WIN. OBAMA HAS TO WIN OR THOSE "OTHER" PEOPLE ARE GOING TO KILL US ALL.....

WHEN I SAY OTHER I AM NOT REFERRING TO THE MIDDLE EASTERN PEOPLE THAT WE'VE(AMERICA) HAS BEEN KILLING OFF FOR THE PAST SEVEN YEARS. I'M REFERRING THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. I'M NOT ANTI-REPUBLICAN BUT I AM ANTI-ANY FUCKING THING THAT JEOPARDIZES MY RIGHT TO PURSUE SUCCESS. I AM ANTI-FUCKING WITH OTHER PEOPLE ON THEIR LAND, AND I AM DEFINITELY PRO MIND OUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS!!!

WHAT DOES ALL THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS THAT I, SHARITA DANYELL HAYS, DOES NOT APPROVE OF THIS "WAR" OR AS I LIKE TO REFERENCE IT...."THE FALL OF AMERICA: WE'RE BROKE BITCHES". YEAH, DEFINITELY A BOOK TITLE. NOR, DO I AGREE WITH SPENDING OVER 3 TRILLION DOLLARS ON BUYING A FUCKLOAD OF DEBT......THE MEDIA KEEPS PUSHING THIS $700 BILLION DOLLAR "BAILOUT" BUT THOSE FUCKERS CONSTANTLY OMIT THE INCENTIVES PACKAGES THE SENATORS AND REPS. ARE RECEIVING FOR APPROVING THAT BS AND I THINK THEY FORGOT TO MENTION THAT THE GOVERNMENT ALSO BOUGHT UP HALF OF THE AMERICAN AUTOMOTIVE INDUSTRY SILENTLY. WTF.

OBAMA IS A SENSATIONAL INDIVIDUAL. HIS SMILE IS HYPNOTIC, WALK MESMERIZING. HIS COLOGNE IS PROBABLY CALLED "SWAGGERIFIC". THE MAN HAS A CULT FOLLOWING COMPLETE WITH GROUPIES AND A CHANT..."YES WE CAN". YES WE CAN WHAT? I DON'T AGREE WITH HIS TAXES PLAN. I GUESS I SHOULD BECAUSE I'M POOR, RIGHT? NOPE, I DON'T INTEND UPON MAINTAIN THE CONDITION THAT I WAS BORN IN. UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE? NOPE, FUCK THAT SHIT TOO......MORE TAXES PEOPLE. PULLING THE TROOPS OUT. I DEFINITELY AGREE ONLY BECAUSE I THINK MAYBE THE INFLATION WILL SUBSIDE SOMEWHAT AND MY $1.00 VANILLA DUTCH WON'T COST ME $1.65 IN SOME STORES. PLUS, RIGHT NOW WE OCCUPY SO MANY FUCKING COUNTRIES THAT IF RUSSIA AND RED CHINA WANTED TO ATTACK RIGHT NOW, WE COULDN'T ORGANIZE ENOUGH TROOPS HERE TO OPERATE A TANK.

MCCAIN AND PALIN?
THESE TWO ARE COLLECTIVELY THE BIGGEST THREAT TO AMERICA WE HAVE RIGHT NOW. NO OSAMA BIN LADIN...HE IS SOMEWHERE IN NORTH DAKOTA SMOKING A BLUNT OF NORTHERN LIGHTS WAITING TO CAST HIS BALLOT WITH THE REST OF US.
JOHN MCCAIN COULD HAVE BEEN JESUS' FATHER FOR ALL I KNOW. THAT MOTHERFUCKER IS OLD. HE LOOKS LIKE HE DIED 4 YEARS AGO. PLUS, HIM AND BUSH JR. HAVE BEEN GETTING FUCKED UP TOGETHER THERE WHOLE LIVES, LITERALLY. HIS ELECTION STRATEGY....RUN WITH A YOUNGER, HOT, WHITE FEMALE....THAT WILL GET THOSE HILLARY VOTES!! THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I WOULD VOTE FOR THAT RETARD. IF SHE CAN SEE RUSSIA FROM HER FRONT PORCH, THEN I CAN SWIM TO AUSTRALIA FROM THE CHESAPEAKE BAY. HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING, IF MCCAIN DIES WHILE IN OFFICE( EXTREMELY HIGH LIKELIHOOD)....THIS IS MY NEXT PRESIDENT!

IN CLOSING I WOULD LIKE TO SAY THAT MY PRIMARY REASON FOR VOTING FOR BARACK OBAMA IS RACIAL PRIDE. THINK ABOUT IT, MY SON IS SIX NOW AND I CAN TELL HIM SOME SHIT LIKE, " NO KHALIL, DON'T SELL DOPE. THAT COULD FUCK UP YOUR CHANCES OF BECOMING PRESIDENT" AND IT BE A TRUTHFUL STATEMENT. IF THE ANTICHRIST (IN MY OPINION) HAS DONE NOTHING ELSE FOR ME, HE HAS GIVEN ME HOPE. HOPE THAT MY SON UNDERSTANDS THAT HE CAN ASPIRE AND BECOME ANYTHING HE WANTS TO.

males and me

2008-10-15T12:44:00.000-04:00

THIS IS MY THOUGHT PATTERN FAR AS MY MALES RELATIONS GO...

THERE IS ONE MAN OUT THERE FOR ME.....HE'S JUST DEAD, INCARCERATED OR HAS BEEN TURNED OUT BY THE GAY BOYS OF AMERICA COMMITTEE. I STOPPED LOOKING SOME TIME AGO. A FEW TIMES I HAVE FOOLED MYSELF INTO BELIEVING THAT MAYBE HE IS MARRIED AND PENDING DIVORCE.

UNTIL HE WALKS UP AND EMBRACES ME THIS IS WHAT IVE BEEN SETTLING FOR.

MALES WHO ONLY WANT TO FUCK ME. THATS ONLY 95% OF THEM. IVE ONLY RECENTLY LEARNED TO CONTROL MY SEXY. MEANING, I EXUDE SEXUAL ENERGY SO EVERY MALE THINKS I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM. NO CONVERSATION OR ANYTHING JUST , "DAMN, LETS GET IT"

RANTS AND RAVES

2008-10-14T14:41:00.001-04:00

IVE GOT A LOT OF SHIT ON MY MIND RIGHT NOW I GUESS IM A LITTLE FRUSTRATED...

1. WHO THE FUCK DOES MY EX THINK HE IS? THE KING OF SHARITA? NOPE, THATS KHALIL'S POSITION. I MEAN HOW THE FUCK DOES HE EXPECT FOR ME TO JUST COME BACK TO HIM AND ALL THAT GOOD SHIT WHEN HE WOULDN'T LET ME COME BACK WHEN I NEEDED TO . HE ALLOWED MY SON AND I TO FUCKING GO TO A SHELTER JUST BECAUSE IT MADE HIM FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIMSELF. BASTARD!!
PLUS HE'S FUCKING ABUSIVE AND HE THINKS I LIKE THIS SHIT. REALLY, WHO THE FUCK WANTS SOMEONE CONSTANTLY ANALLY RAPING THEM WHILE BRUTALLY BEATING THEIR RIBCAGE? NOT ME!!!! I TELLS THE NIGGA IM HAPPY AND HE BASICALLY TOLD ME THAT A FEMALE LIKE ME COULDN'T BE HAPPY UNLESS A NIGGA WAS GOING BROKE TAKING CARE OF ME AND FUCKING ME RETARDED DAILY.HE INTRODUCED ME TO THIS PAIN FETISH WHATEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. i FUCKING HATE JEALOUS ASS BITCHES. WHO THE FUCK HAS ENOUGH TIME TO SIT AROUND AND HATE? NOT ME!!! DON'T GET IT TWISTED MY HATERS KEEP ME ON MY TOES BUT THAT SHIT HAS TO GET OLD. iM THINKING ABOUT STARTING A FANCLUB. SIGN SOME AUTOGRAPHS AND SHIT. NO MATTER WHAT IM DOING THESE BITCHES ARE WATCHING..LIKE THAT NIGGA SAID, " DON'T WATCH ME, WATCH T.V". MAYBE I SHOULD WRITE AN INSTRUCTIONAL MANUAL ON HOW TO KEEP A NIGGA COMING BACK SO THESE SLUTS WILL STOP WONDERING...............HELL NO, IT TAKE EXPERIENCE, AND I GOT SKILLS YOU CAN LOOK UP IN A BOOK.

WHICH LEADS TO MY NEXT RANT
3. WHY THE FUCK DOES HE KEEP FUCKING MY BRAINS OUT. IM NOT BY ANY MEANS COMPLAINING, I LOVE THAT SHIT....BUT WHAT IF I THINK THAT I LOVE HIM!!!....ITS GOTTA BE LUST, I GUESS BUT THEN WHO TRUELY KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE. AND BACK TO THE ORIGINAL QUESTION, HOW IS IT THAT OUR SEX IS STILL GETTING BETTER AFTER A YEAR? NO MATTER WHAT POSITION HE PUTS ME IN I CUM LIKE CRAZY. IM TALKING MO'S ALL DAY. I THINK THE SHITS UNHEALTHY FORREAL.....

4. I JUST WANTED TO GET THOSE FEW THOUGHTS OFF MY MIND SO I COULD CLEAR SO SPACE FOR NEW BULLSHIT....THANKS FOR LISTENING

rans and raves

2008-10-14T14:41:00.000-04:00

where im at now.....

2008-10-07T20:02:00.000-04:00

09/25/08 11:21PM

homelessness revisited..
So i just got done reading some of my earlier blogs....revisiting those emotions forreal.

FOUR MONTHS LATER...

WERE STILL HOMELESS. IN A SHELTER FOR THE PAST 3 1/2 MONTHS. I'VE GROWN SOO MUCH. LEARNED SOO MUCH. LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT SHELTER LIVING....
MY SON AND I LIVE IN A SCHOOL. WELL AN ABANDONED SCHOOL BUILDING. ITS A "FAMILY CENTER" FOR WOMEN AND CHILDREN. THERE ARE APPROXIMATELY 20-25 FAMILIES. MAN, SOME OF THESE FEMALES HAVE 4 CHILDREN. WE SLEEP IN DORMS, ON COTS. CRAZY! I MEAN, NO PRIVACY, AND COMMUNITY SHOWERS. PLUS WERE "STAFFED", WITH A CURFEW.

WHEN I FIRST GOT THERE, I WAS FUCKED UP ABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION. I HAD TO TAKE MY SON INTO THIS TYPE OF ENVIROMENT, WITHOUT RECOURSE. HE HAD PLACES HE COULD GO BUT HE WOULDN'T LEAVE ME. THATS WHEN I REALIZED THIS IS FORM HIM, I OWE HIM BETTER. I FELT LIKE I WAS ALONE IN THIS SITUATION, AND NO ONE CARED. PEOPLE LOOK DOWN ON YOU WHEN YOU SAY YOU ARE IN SHELTER, FUCK THEM. ITS PITY, AND NOBODY NEEDS THAT SHIT. THIS IS MY
ACTUALITY, I CAN'T DENY IT.

BACK TO THE SHELTER. LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE MENTALITY THAT 80% OF THESE FEMALES, WITH CHILDREN POSSESS. LET ME COLLECT MY WELFARE CHECK, AND WAIT ON SECTION 8. ITS NOT THAT IM BEING STEREOTYPICAL BECAUSE IF THEY WILL GIVE ME 0 RENT, IMMA TAKE IT, BUT THIS IS WHAT I SEE. WE ARE ALL IN THE SAME SITUATION SO I CAN'T LOOK DOWN AT THEM, SO I LOOK PAST THEM 85 PERCENT OF THE TIME.

NOBODY IS GOING HELP YOU IF YOU ARENT TRYING TO HELP YOURSELF

OH MY GOODNESS, IVE BEEN HEARING THIS ALL MY LIFE AND I DIDNT COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND IT UNTIL NOW. LIKE I WOKE UP ONE MORNING AND CAME TO THE REALIZATION THAT I WASNT DOING ENOUGH TO GET MYSELF OUT OF THIS SITUATION....THEREFORE I WASN'T FOCUSED. MOST OF THE GIRLS JUST DON'T GET IT. I STARTED VIGOROUSLY PURSUING GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT. I COULD NOT EVEN GET A SHELTER COT IN BALTIMORE CITY UNTIL I APPLIED FOR PUBLIC ASSISTANCE (TCA). IMAGINE HOW MY SON'S FATHER MUST FEEL. SO NOW I CAN SAY IVE EXPERIENCE THAT SHIT. NOT FOR NOTHING BECAUSE WE DIDNT HAVE ANYWHERE TO GO. I OBTAINED GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT. WHEN I SAY GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT, IM TALKING EMPLOYMENT WHICH PAYS ENOUGH TO SUPPORT A HOUSEHOLD FOR MYSELF AND MY SON. SO I DON'T FUCK WITH THEM PEOPLE ANYMORE.

STAND BEHIND WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN

THEY PUT ME OUT. ONE WEEK BEFORE I STARTED WORK. ON THAT BULLSHIT. FRANKLY, I FELT LIKE IT WAS A TEST OF MY PATIENCE, INTELLIGENCE AND HUMILITY. PLUS, IT WAS A DIRECT THREAT TO MY LIVLIHOOD. MY HOMGIRL WAS TELLING TO COME STAY UP HER HOUSE. I ALMOST WENT. IM GLAD I THOUGHT THIS ONE OUT AND DIDN'T REACT ON EMOTION.

THEN I WENT DOWN CITY HALL. NOT, JUST ME BUT 2 OTHER SHELTER CHICKS AND THEIR 4 CHILDREN AND WE TALKED TO THE DIRECTOR OF HOMELESS SEVICES FOR THE CITY. THOSE OTHER TWO FEMALES WANTED TO KNOW WHEN THEY WERE GETTING THEIR SECTION 8. I WNTED TO KNOW WHERE MY SON AND I WERE SLEEPING AT THAT NIGHT.

WE TALKED FOR LIKE 45 MINUTES AND HE HAD ME BACK IN THE FACILITYWITHIN MINUTES OF ME LEAVING HIS PRESENCE AND PROMISED A MEETING THE NEXT WEEK. THE ONE THING THAT STOOD OUT IN THAT CONVERSATION WAS "LADIES, I CANT HELP YOU IF YOU AREN'T HELPING YOURSELF; WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO BETTER YOUR SITUATION". HE PROVED MY POINT IMMEDIATELY. I HAVENT BEEN IN A FUCKING SHELTER FOR 3 MONTHS TO LET THESE HATERS SEE ME CRUMBLE. I DO TOO MUCH TO CATCH A TECHNICAL, SO I WENT BACK.I GOT MY HAIR RETWISTED AND STARTED WORK.

IM STILL IN A SHELTER. WERE STILL HOMLESS BUT LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. IM IN CONTROL AND IM NOT LETTING ANYTHING KNOCK ME OFF MY AXIS.
IMMA LEAVE YALL WITH THE MOST IMPORTANT IVE LEARNED THUS FAR.....
OPPORTUNITIES ARE USUALLY DISGUISED AS HARD WORK, THATS WHY PEOPLE MISS OUT ON SOO MANY.

2008-10-07T19:03:00.000-04:00

04/09/08 3:31PM

For my DADDY---i love you

i write about these lames
but never about you
no matter what i go through
you are always there
it’s the little things that count
that lets me know you care
after every relationship or heartbreak
i go through
when i need a man
i know i’ve got you
Circustances
may prevent you from being mines
but the reality is
you’ve got me for a lifetime
you never get angry when
i say "i got a man"
you just play the cut
and offer a helping hand
i KNOW you would never
hit me or try you make me cry
but then i know its back to her
and i love you soo much i could never ask "why?"
My daddy the man
who keeps me sane
when i constantly fuck up
dealing with lames
most people wont understand
what all this means
but you read my blogs daily
you know what i mean
my friend, my confidante
my lover, my protector
my sunshine in this
neverending storm
i’m grateful to have someone
so wonderful
you make it so easy
to just love you
sometime i think about staying
single
and being your wife number 2
I know you would love that
more than anything else
keeping this D.T.P
all to yourself

i even give those readers a word of the day!!

2008-10-07T19:01:00.000-04:00

04/15/08 4:08PM

word of the day
WORD OF THE DAY--Tuesday April 15, 2008

mi·sog·y·nist ..
Noun--One who hates women.
Adjective--Of or characterized by a hatred of women.
His mother abused and neglected him, now he is a misogynist.

another outside situation

2008-10-07T18:58:00.000-04:00

04/16/08 2:57PM
just a small portion of the shit thats been on my mind lately

i think im just continuing from yesterday ( i love you daddy).....A lot of things are on my mind at this exact moment and i cant seem to clear my head. I tried cutting back on my bud intake, thinking that may be clouding my thought. Now im still confused with an attitude.

I still see my ex-guy EVERYDAY. So he get to observe the ups and downs that i am going through with an i-told-you-so smirk constantly smeared on his face. Not to mention on the days that i do avoid going in the house...as soon as my son's schoolbus pulls up, he invites himself in as if we still live there. I can understand that Khalil may have some attachment issues but whats my excuse? I can explain the smile that dances across my face everytime i see him or the not so innocent thoughts that pass through my mind as we sit silently watching television awaiting my sons arrival. Plus, we email each other alot. We have a lot more communication then im willing to admit to the important people in my life. They wouldn't understand because its just soo uncharacteristic of me to have not "moved on". I never really move on, i just keep it moving. The shit that we talk about is soo irrelevant its crazy. He likes fucking me....so does every other dude ive ever fucked. Im fun, its fun, fuck it.

Like i stated....after every relationship, daddy is still there.

Next on my list of WTFs......My first love is basically asking me to enter into a committed relationship with him, even though he still has 2 more years left. What am i supposed to say? Truthfully, i never believed that it would have lasted this long. I do love him, i will never stop. I never placed my life on hold for him even though we both new that at the most it would only be 7 years. 5 years in and im still single. He says he's tired of me getting into these relationships that are only destructive to me and now Khalil. He believes that if i eliminated the want for male companionship and accept that i have a man that is on his way home it should redirect my focus to where it needs to be. I don't want to tell him no because i've wanted to hear those words from him since i was 17 and pregnant. In my perfect world.....i would be his queen and he my king. During those last few months when my son's father started showing his ugly side, he was always there to let me know i was better than that. But, he loved the streets more than my son and i. How am i to know that when he comes home that he wont just return to those streets that always welcomes you back with open arms. I remember when i met him, i had just started college. He used to study with me late at night, then one night he confessed to me that he never went past the 7th grade. He wasn't a dumb nigga just that he got caught up...so now all he could do was get money. He's the reason why after five years...my son is still an only child. Oh, plus i never got around to explaining this complicated relationship i had with this man i call daddy....ironic how i met him only months after losing my man.

Finally. What do you do when the person that you trust the most shows sings of being a snake? I wouldn't call this person a hater. Our relationship is too complex for the term hater but snake is starting to fit her well. Ive noticed that over the past few years, with every decision i've made, our relationship strained. Garden snakes are camoflauged because they blend in to the green grass. I thought i knew about snakes and took heed to the saying "keep your grass low so you always see the snakes" but this situation is soo different. I would call her the lawnmower. I just don't know what to do anymore, it getting to be too much to handle.

back writing....

2008-10-07T18:51:00.000-04:00

So ive been cheating on my online diary for months now......blogging elswhere. You know im never going to leave pen and paper alone, they were my first love; or was it the words? I dont know but anyway.....the next few post are from another of you electronic notebooks that the world can see....

05/14/08 10:33AM
homelessness.
This is a very personal subject to me but i feel compelled to write about it and truthfully if you do have feed back.....message me directly....
Today is May 14th, 2008. My son and I have been homeless since May 5th. It feels crazy just typing it and everytime i have to say it, i damn near cry. I have went through the worse changes given the current state of my life. People constantly ask me "well, why are you homeless?" I respond i don't know. There is no one to place the blame on, unless it is myself. I could list contributing factors for days....lack of a proper support system, codependant tendancies, but i believe that i have been homeless far longer than most people are willing to openly admit.

Baltimore city caters to their ex-convicts, ex-addicts and herion abusers. I don't fall into any of those catagories so going to social services everyday proves fruitless. Apparently there are over 5,000 homeless people in baltimore and there are a little under 3200 shelter beds and families are supposed to get priority but just like im out there with one child, there are females out there with 3 and 4. That make them more of a priority than us.

I've been a ward of the state since age 8. Basically, ive been homeless since age 8. So what if i went from foster home to foster home until 21, all that does is mask an underlying problem....like putting a bandage over a wound that needs stitches. Most people say that my reasoning is wrong, but it make great fucking sense to me. If someone is paid to house a person for a period of 30 days (until the next check arrives), its somewhat like renting a room. I even made several attempts to excise "the system" from my life before the age of majority (21), only to be threatened with the removal of my child from my care and being placed on runaway status. You know they get money just to keep us in.

Anyway, back to what i was saying. These past nine days have been soo stressful that most of the time i walk around in a daze. I dont know how to fix this. I ran out of tears a few days ago. I get frustrated with my son ALOT, but its not his fault. I have elected not to physically discipline him because truthfully i have soo much anger its sad. All my life have helped people. I believe thats how life works. You dont give in expectance, you give because you have it to give. People are not like that. I apologize to my son daily, and remind him that its not his fault. Whenever something bad happens children instantly believe they are the cause.
I have pursued soo many different avenue for assistance that its a crying shame. My concern is not for me EVER but always for Khalil. He is the greatest. How am i supposed to react when my "best friend" blatantly saying, one night is all i can give you and your son in my uninhabited bedroom because my boyfriend doesn't like you!!!! We've been friends since we were little girls and he's someone that you have to take care of? How can she really consider herself his "godmother" and see him fucked up like this? His father is no better. I mean we see him every single fucking day for nothing. No reason other than for him to criticize me as if i don't feel bad enough. I keep his son fed, clean and happy, plus given our current situation, he makes it to school ontime EVERYDAY. I just doesn't feel like its getting any easier. I don't have any bridges, and thats unlike me but I would like to that my "mother" as well as the 51 y.o for assisting me in demolishing them and all they can do is sit on the side line and shake there heads...fuck them too.
I have realized that, people only care as so long as there is some sort of benefit for them. Well, except my daddy. He has been my ONLY source of assistance, well besides the network of people that he put in place. I have tried to rid myself of him several times throughout our tenure, i never would have believed that when i couldn't turn to anyone else, he would still be there. I know he can only do soo much, especially being married and all but he does soo much i could never complain. No one else has even concerned themselves with the trials of sharita and khalil besides him and no matter what anyone says, it shows. Fuck friends, who needs them, fuck family, what are they really good for anyway?

its not like im sitting around feeling sorry for myself or even wanting someone else to feel sorry for me, i just feel fucked up.